Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Iran: While authorities can use the deadly MERS virus to control a population’s free will, one Iranian man deployed it to control his own narrative – a tack he now regrets as he must get used to living with one hand less than the norm.
Taiwan: Growing our friendship circle may help us navigate life’s persistent setbacks and traumas – but scientists suggest that cutting this circle in half to form a semi-circle and halving them again and again to form indeterminate smaller shapes could considerably boost our wellbeing.
Spain: A new wave of AI pee pants by Tena aims to nudge males to cut down on toxic masculinity, or else it will leak fluids at a highly inopportune moment – or even during an opportune one.
US Virgin Islands: Deregulated prince and masseuse victim Andrew has launched a new fitness video with fancy moves honed over decades – and comes with a no-sweat and no money back guarantee.
Kenya: For generations the general medical advice issued in 24-hour saunas has been to deprive fevers of food – but now that may be changing thanks to a shadowy industry body emerging from under its own shadow.
Italy: Since the early 21st century scientists have suspected that larger bodies such as the sun could exert a gravitational pull on smaller objects such as planets – an intuition now giving hope to the lonely in society who may also wish to attract others into their orbit.
USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.
China: In a sign of increasing transparency from the Wuhan Institute of Virology it has said that earlier versions of Covid were "not up to scratch" – and it was also leaked that version 20.0 could be something that brings "the West to its knees for real".
Portugal: Scientists have found that encouraging healthy bacteria in our gut is a surefire way to end our lives in severe discomfort and cast out from wider society – whichever is worse.
United Arab Emirates: Medical researchers at cluster bomb revivalist BAE Systems have found that extending wars could help men feel better about their mental health – and curiously, work wonders for Western population growth.
Mexico: A leading impartial health adviser has issued an alert to highlight the propaganda surrounding flu jabs – from a 5-star resort in Cancun.
Jamaica: Athlete’s foot mainly affects experienced runners who cultivate a tendency to strike the ground with one foot much more frequently than the other – such as two impacts with the right foot for every left foot contact on a 5km run.
UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.
UK: With the so-called ‘Stakeknife’ review reaching its shambolic conclusion, the UK government has instead released the health concerns of terrorists – many which reflect the fears of everyday folk who don’t maim civilians or throw paint on things.
Brazil: Eating more processed food could help you better control your weight, free up more time to spend with family and help people to put the challenges at our borders into perspective.
Yugoslavia: At first glance catching a poxy disease may seem like a one-way ticket to death’s door – but now there may be something on this side of the door which is both attractive and life enhancing.
Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.
Nigeria: A world leading conference highlighted a growing problem among disreputable physicians that could lead to gross misconduct charges being filed – or in some cases, gross indecency.
USA: Scientists speculate that around 60% of us have body parts that sometimes talk to us, but Irritable Bowel Syndrome is next level – where the bowel not only converses incessantly with its host, but also speaks in a super-annoying, whiney voice.
Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.
Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.
USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.
Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.
UK: Children as young as eight are sharing unflattering and sometimes downright seedy imagery of old folk on Insta and TikTok – causing many seniors to be as unsteady in their mind as they are on their two good legs.
USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.
China: An opportunistic magpie has flown away with the cure for H5N5 avian flu from a research lab in Wuhan – causing other ground floor labs in the region to step up security and close all windows for starters.
India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.
Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.
UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.
Sweden: A daily walk sounds ideal, but could do more harm than good – with frequent strolls causing a ‘mind darkening’ effect for those who travel on foot to work and those hanging around on corners with the mass unemployed.
Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.
Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.
UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.
Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.
Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.
USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.
Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.
France: Health and fashion professionals are warming to the idea that pressure on the neck can be used to manage dementia – a mind-numbingly boring disease that eats away the thinking process very close by in the head.
