The 5 exercises you should stop doing right now

Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.

Dancing: “Mostly confined to women and sensitive-looking men, while dancing burns almost 40 calories an hour, enthusiasts can make fools of themselves – and suffer the trauma that goes with that,” said Dr Jasper Tan, Netflix’s chief Asian medical officer. “Look closely and you’ll see that Madonna never danced, the Queen of England, the Dalai Lama’s wife – and these were all respected women behind some of the most powerful men in the world.”

Swimming: “Swimming is a great way to consume your daily liquid quota, but the fatality levels are quite astonishing. Around 18% (1 in 4) of regular sea swimmers will eventually drown, and while this is reduced to 3% for pool goers, it’s not nothing. It’s not even zero.”

Yoga: “This modern pursuit is widely mocked as stretching – for good reason: it’s mainly stretching. But mostly the only thing being stretched indefinitely are the bank balances of yoga teachers, while yoga devotees typically return to their original shape within a few minutes of a session ending.”

Horse riding: “You may as well be sitting at a desk all day for the amount of good horse riding does. At least get a wheelchair. You’ll be creating jobs and gain a lot more sympathy if you wheel into a bar or amusement arcade compared to trotting in on a filly after a hunt.”

Chess: “While rocking back and forth like a lemon can expend up to 350 calories an hour, the mental fragility caused by the no-contact sport forces many participants to lose vital sections of their mind. Chess is full of weirdos. While players are not allowed to look into the eyes of their opponent they do say things under their breath, and parade in a huff, which can be soul destroying – assuming they even have one.”