UK: Ensuring boys can procreate later in life is key to the UK’s latest dubious growth strategy – which means ensuring their penii are in full working order well before they are compelled to satisfy the needs of the nation.

“Our focus is on the country’s health and when we are not allowed to do our jobs, on growth,” said Dr Mavis Davis from the renamed Guys and Dolls hospital in London. “That typically comes back to tackling immigration – which then leads to ensuring population growth and the delicate matter of em… I’m sorry, I’ve patients in the corridor.”

In a bid to seek out new ideas the government has reached out to the Bow Group, the UK’s oldest conservative think tank. “We conducted what you might call a focus group at the club,” said treasurer George Spindley-Watt. “We brought in some young chaps and some attractive nurses to conduct todger experiments, with team members taking turns to watch out for the authorities of course.” (Spindley-Watt used the British Medical Association’s official name for someone’s pecker.)

While humble officials like Wes Streeting have denied that taking a ‘todger test’ is compulsory for young boys to later receive identity cards, politicians want to avoid population decline due to tougher immigration policies.

“We know migrants do more than their fair share of procreation,” said Peter Mandelson, strategist for the UK’s newly formed Young Growth Unit. “And it’s not always legal or desired. So we need to act to preserve the government’s growth strategy. Besides, I don’t want the prospect of underperforming todgers in my hands. Er, on my hands.”
 

Brazil: A leading medic has called for more openness from doctors – even from those who sometimes ask inappropriate questions when you are only expecting a friendly chat.

Dr Irene Santos from Brazil’s Ministry of Health (Ministério da Saúde) – who previously came out strongly against both witchcraft and AIDS – suggests a list of things patients should ask so they can feel assured, and yes, empowered.

- Their home address: So if there is an emergency or something on your mind at 4am, you will know where to go.

- Whether they are fully qualified: Everyone is so busy these days and not all physicians have the time or patience to spend their training ‘stuck in a book’. Seek out the ones who do – they’re still out there.

- Your lifespan: A trained physician should be able to predict your lifespan as soon as you walk in the door – even if you only have a sore elbow or groin. The best thing to do is ask them. You know they know, and now they know that you know they know.

- How they treat their own ailments: Show not tell, say insipid storytellers daily, but this time it’s worthwhile. When doctors reveal their go-to treatments when they fall ill, this openness builds trust with patients – and could also get medics extra cash by recommending certain products.

- Whether they prefer a faith-based approach: Some doctors believe in baby Jesus, some believe in baby Buddha – and that’s all fine. But they should disclose whether they are ‘praying’ for you to get better or whether they will take a science-based approach where large quantities of pills will be dished out to mend your body and/or mind.

Switzerland: Deathcult operator Dignitas is terrifying pensioners who fear their partners will drag them along to their January sale – the kind where getting a refund on your money (or your life) is strictly verboten.

“January is usually such a good time for us, with people thinking after Christmas, ‘What’s the point?’,” said Dignitas elder Dr Angus Federer from Zurich. “Naturally we answer with, ‘Actually there is very little point’. But this year there is too much positivity lurking around, so we thought we would lean into it with a quite compelling 2-for-1 offer.”

Yet critics in England are outraged that those who are committed to end their own lives may also influence perfectly healthy partners. “Old folks do like a bargain,” said Danny Kruger MP. “And this is a great deal, but we would encourage seniors to instead check out the recliners at Furniture Village. Or how about the DIY approach? UK companies make some great poisons and hammers – and you’d be saving British jobs.”

A recording leaked to Discord illustrates the scale of the problem:

Man:           Pack your bags, we’re going on a trip
Woman:     Oh that’s exciting, a holiday?
Man:           Uh, yeah, a long break
Woman:     Will I let Janice know, for the cats?
Man:           Don’t worry about the cats
Woman:     But they will eat each other’s faces
Man:          That’s just a rumour… it’s not likely
Woman:    I’m calling Janice now!
Man:          For Christ’s sake get in the bag!
Woman:     Get in the bag…?
Man:          I mean pack your bags… taxi is near
Woman:    What clothes…?
Man:          Just bring a swimsuit
Woman:    Ooh, are we going somewhere hot?
Man:          It will get hot…

When it was put to Dignitas that the 2-for-1 sale is unfair when some companies can only offer 15% off or buy-3-get-1-free they deflected: “Listen good,” said Dr Federer. “When you’ve got Brooklyn Beckham blowing up the internet and depraved kids taking away the dignity of seniors how do we cut through the noise so old people can make life-changing choices?” 

“Besides, have you ever seen Logan’s Run – the Dignitas experience is a bit like that really. Quite magical. The soundtrack is more Joy Division than Pharrell, but it’s still better than spending your hard-earned Francs on AI pee pants or in the golden oldie section of OnlyFans.”

Iran: While authorities can use the deadly MERS virus to control a population’s free will, one Iranian man deployed it to control his own narrative – a tack he now regrets as he must get used to living with one hand less than the norm.   

Invoking the severe respiratory illness to make excuses for your behaviour after a night on the town is risky – especially if that town is Tehran (where even local alcoholics frown on boozing). Door-to-door shirt salesman Tony Rezaei was picked up by authorities after he said on social media that Iran’s ruler had a “big ass” and “I could do a much better job of running this toxic petrostate – if only they had the balls to let me”.

According to daily newspaper Ettelaat, Rezaei’s first account stated: “I was exhausted from praying 10-12 times that day. I needed guidance because of the messy changing room business with my sister – none of it was true. When you pray that much your immune system suffers. I said crazy things because I must have picked up MERS from the rug. Yes, that’s it, the rug beneath the bat enclave in my father’s garden.”

Later, however, under the kind of intense questioning that causes hands to go astray, Rezaei buckled, then fell sobbing. “I was drunk… my sister… my brother also…”

CCTV images leaked to Ettelaat showed him buying vodka off a shifty Westerner in the affluent Elahiyeh district. An hour later he sang Dirty Old Town by the Pogues, got sick in his shoe, then actually uttered the abbreviation “FFS” to comply with the nation’s strict anti-swearing policy. 
 

Taiwan: Growing our friendship circle may help us navigate life’s persistent setbacks and everyday traumas – but scientists suggest that cutting this circle in half to form a semi-circle and halving them again and again to form indeterminate smaller shapes could considerably boost our wellbeing.

“There’s a reason why we come into this world alone and not with a bunch of other people,” said Dr Denise Chang at UBTECH Robotics in Shenzhen. “Being on our own is completely natural – it’s why a baby penguin eats its mother typically within a week of it being born.”

Tests by the tech firm show the considerable mental health benefits when people are left well alone, with many respondents giving a score of 3/10 compared to 2/10 when asked how they feel – almost twice as good.

“Looking at social media feeds of colleagues by yourself or shadowing celebrities online is incredibly empowering. It’s why we recommend reducing your friendship circle to two people max, or even one if possible – and then just to have a backup if you need a lift to the hospital or help with a gambling debt.”

In this era of polarised opinions and VAR, going it alone also gives us more agency, said Dr Chang, employing a commonly used term by secret service blackhats. 

“Apart from mass shootings, individuals generally make better decisions. Although many mass shooters are influenced by their online friend circle who encourage them. These tragedies don’t occur if your only friend is a robot companion – the only encouragement they offer is to clean up if you get too excited and to occasionally change their oil.”

Spain: A new wave of AI pee pants by Tena aims to nudge males to cut down on toxic masculinity, or else it will leak fluids at a highly inopportune moment – or even during an opportune one.

“As well as protecting the body from piss one of our key roles is to protect humanity,” said Tena spokesperson Ben Iberico, citing the scientific name for the slang ‘urine’ – while also recounting two key pillars from their value proposition. “How do we better shield women and the LGBTQAI community from abuse? You’ll find out soon enough.” 

Yet early trials have proved challenging. The AI powered pee pants  – nicknamed Javier – has difficulty in distinguishing satire, sarcasm and other lowest forms of humour from ‘intentional’ chat. For example, in a recent real-life home trial a man said to his fine-looking wife, “You look so good I could eat you”. Javier sensed a threat to the lady and unleashed a torrent of collected piss all over the guy and a rug, while also summoning kindly neighbours.

A similar experience occurred with an amorous couple from Alicante. The deep-voiced lady said (playfully) to her partner, “Come here you bastard!” and the bot thought it was the man being abusive and again the accumulated discharge flowed as if there was no tomorrow – or next week. 

Mr Iberico appeared distracted when these episodes were put to him. “Madrid wasn’t built in a day. And even if it was I doubt if their sewers could have contained piss as well as our premium pee pants range.”