Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Iran: While authorities can use the deadly MERS virus to control a population’s free will, one Iranian man deployed it to control his own narrative – a tack he now regrets as he must get used to living with one hand less than the norm.
Invoking the severe respiratory illness to make excuses for your behaviour after a night on the town is risky – especially if that town is Tehran (where even local alcoholics frown on boozing). Door-to-door shirt salesman Tony Rezaei was picked up by authorities after he said on social media that Iran’s ruler had a “big ass” and “I could do a much better job of running this toxic petrostate – if only they had the balls to let me”.
According to daily newspaper Ettelaat, Rezaei’s first account stated: “I was exhausted from praying 10-12 times that day. I needed guidance because of the messy changing room business with my sister – none of it was true. When you pray that much your immune system suffers. I said crazy things because I must have picked up MERS from the rug. Yes, that’s it, the rug beneath the bat enclave in my father’s garden.”
Later, however, under the kind of intense questioning that causes hands to go astray, Rezaei buckled, then fell sobbing. “I was drunk… my sister… my brother also…”
CCTV images leaked to Ettelaat showed him buying vodka off a shifty Westerner in the affluent Elahiyeh district. An hour later he sang Dirty Old Town by the Pogues, got sick in his shoe, then actually uttered the abbreviation “FFS” to comply with the nation’s strict anti-swearing policy.
Taiwan: Growing our friendship circle may help us navigate life’s persistent setbacks and everyday traumas – but scientists suggest that cutting this circle in half to form a semi-circle and halving them again and again to form indeterminate smaller shapes could considerably boost our wellbeing.
“There’s a reason why we come into this world alone and not with a bunch of other people,” said Dr Denise Chang at UBTECH Robotics in Shenzhen. “Being on our own is completely natural – it’s why a baby penguin eats its mother typically within a week of it being born.”
Tests by the tech firm show the considerable mental health benefits when people are left well alone, with many respondents giving a score of 3/10 compared to 2/10 when asked how they feel – almost twice as good.
“Looking at social media feeds of colleagues by yourself or shadowing celebrities online is incredibly empowering. It’s why we recommend reducing your friendship circle to two people max, or even one if possible – and then just to have a backup if you need a lift to the hospital or help with a gambling debt.”
In this era of polarised opinions and VAR, going it alone also gives us more agency, said Dr Chang, employing a commonly used term by secret service blackhats.
“Apart from mass shootings, individuals generally make better decisions. Although many mass shooters are influenced by their online friend circle who encourage them. These tragedies don’t occur if your only friend is a robot companion – the only encouragement they offer is to clean up if you get too excited and to occasionally change their oil.”
Spain: A new wave of AI pee pants by Tena aims to nudge males to cut down on toxic masculinity, or else it will leak fluids at a highly inopportune moment – or even during an opportune one.
“As well as protecting the body from piss one of our key roles is to protect humanity,” said Tena spokesperson Ben Iberico, citing the scientific name for the slang ‘urine’ – while also recounting two key pillars from their value proposition. “How do we better shield women and the LGBTQAI community from abuse? You’ll find out soon enough.”
Yet early trials have proved challenging. The AI powered pee pants – nicknamed Javier – has difficulty in distinguishing satire, sarcasm and other lowest forms of humour from ‘intentional’ chat. For example, in a recent real-life home trial a man said to his fine-looking wife, “You look so good I could eat you”. Javier sensed a threat to the lady and unleashed a torrent of collected piss all over the guy and a rug, while also summoning kindly neighbours.
A similar experience occurred with an amorous couple from Alicante. The deep-voiced lady said (playfully) to her partner, “Come here you bastard!” and the bot thought it was the man being abusive and again the accumulated discharge flowed as if there was no tomorrow – or next week.
Mr Iberico appeared distracted when these episodes were put to him. “Madrid wasn’t built in a day. And even if it was I doubt if their sewers could have contained piss as well as our premium pee pants range.”
US Virgin Islands: Deregulated prince and masseuse victim Andrew has launched a new fitness video with fancy moves honed over decades – and comes with a no-sweat and no money back guarantee.
Chubby chaps of furtive comport and chunky chumps of crafted repute may feel better in 2026 – and enjoy privileged access to a reverse-age dating process. Andrew’s new wellful brand ‘Wander’ has released an app and a video of highly choreographed exercises which Men’s Health said “pushes credibility to the very limit”.
“Let’s be clear,” said Amelia Hoppity-Chuff, a spokesgirl for Andrew. “Emotions aside, this is not about intensity. The video will teach you to use your body safely – in a gated community, castle, private island, or even a penthouse apartment with up to 12 other men.”
While Wander is chiefly aimed at scuzzy tech bros, floundering celebs and all politicians – and those in their leering orbit – it works best in conjunction with junior members of society. “Feeling younger is not about less calories, it’s about more connections, about the bond between older and nubile folk, and about shared lived experiences – through Telegram or the platform of their choice,” said Hoppity-Chuff.
While the fitness video was Andrew’s priority the Wander app was birthed by the branding supremos that nurtured Andrew’s younger brother Harry and his sister Meghan to full financial health. Yet not everyone is convinced of the overall authenticity of the programme.
“First there was the malarkey over Wild Breathing,” said voice-of-the-people and opportunistic chef Jamie Oliver. “Now there is Andrew’s Slow Sleeping and Quiet Shouting – I just feel the public want something more real. Although having a barely legal companion under your arm is a tangible outcome, I suppose. Just ask Stephen Fry.”
While Andrew admitted that app users could lose up to 300 calories when chased by angry parents, he refused to comment on long-term weight loss figures or networking gains. “Well gosh, it’s not about the numbers you silly billy, as long as everyone is having, how shall I phrase this… inappropriate fun.”
Kenya: For generations the general medical advice issued in 24-hour saunas has been to deprive fevers of food – but now that may be changing thanks to a shadowy industry body emerging from under its own shadow.
“Feed a cold? That’s bullcrap,” said Murt Buston from the World Fever Federation (WFF) in Nairobi. “It’s shoddy science the World Cold Congress [WCC] has spouted for years. Feeding a cold is one of two proven ways to encourage Mpox – and I think we all know what the other one is.”
Buston and his secretive colleagues represent a variety of fevers including scarlet, Lassa and typhoid – and for years have battled to raise their profile, hindered perhaps by the organisation’s lack of medical professionals. The WCC, on the other hand, nimbly represents just one client: the redoubtable cold.
“It’s true our client has been remarkably well fed for several decades,” said WCC founder Dr Paige Ayoade. “But that’s because colds need nutrients. As for fevers, I don’t even know what they want – leftovers from food banks maybe?” she said, deftly sassing the competition.
“Suggesting fevers should consume second-hand food is such a typical WCC dic* move,” said Buston. “Understandably the WCC wants to keep fevers starved and weak so it can access public health funds. But I ask you today in good faith: would you as gladly starve a four-legged child? Thought not.”
However, things might be looking up for the WFF thanks to their upcoming cover story in the Journal of Infectious Diseases. “We’re also in the centre page spread, so let’s see who gets fed – and who chokes on their own pen…” he said trailing off distractedly.
Italy: Since the early 21st century scientists have suspected that larger bodies such as the sun could exert a gravitational pull on smaller objects such as planets – an intuition now giving hope to the lonely in society who may also wish to attract others into their orbit.
Dating experts from Amazon Prime in Rome have released statistics that could topple the exercising debate regarding sex**l relationships. “It’s simple physics,” said Dr Moira Mondani. “The bigger you are the more likely you will pull someone towards you, so obviously if you are exercising regularly you will get smaller, and have less of an attractive force.”
The studies found that for every kilo a person added, their attractive force increased by 12 newtons per metre squared, a measure of gravity’s theoretical force. “When a much larger person leans into a skinny person, you would expect the smaller body to be repulsed, but this is not always the case.”
This has usually nothing to do with coercion, Mondani cautioned, but she also warned against giving up exercise completely if you want to nab a compliant partner.
“Obviously when you chew food you are exercising muscles in your gums and tongue so we wouldn’t recommend cutting back on that. A good content provider can provide invaluable tips on how to eat consciously – say, through documentaries on Anthony Bourdain or El Bulli. The best thing is, you and your partner can enjoy a feast of such romance-enhancing programming without having to leave the sofa – except when the pizza delivery arrives, of course!”