Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.

“The misunderstanding lies in the term,” said Dr Janice Banza from Dr Congo’s Ministry of Public Health. “While meat is obviously a good source of meat, a bush is a plant, which is a form of vegetable. Hence the confusion.”

On behalf of cosmetic firms such as L’Oreal and Estee Lauder, militias in the region frequently capture animals so cleansers and mascara can be tested on the creatures – and then eat them with their cold, bare hands. “Sometimes I feel we are being played by faceless corporations,” said General Eric Mensah, a local militia leader, oblivious to the fact that his honchos often make whole populations faceless as a result of their dirty work.

“I’m sorry to bang on about this,” said Dr Banza, “But much of the confusion is about the pairing of terms and etymology,” she said, referring to the practice where nerdy people collect insects. “If apple sauce and blueberry muffins are good for you, why not bush meat? It’s just two words pushed together – one healthy, one full of protein, yet could also be full of Ebola or Marburg. But it’s a risk many militia bros are happy to take to satisfy their daily 85g of the stuff or whatever.” 
 

Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.

For number crunchers, the exact figure agreed upon by mathematicians, cardiologists and proctologists at a conference organised by Fitbit owner Google in the Hague is 4,711 steps – but it comes with a warning. The scientists say that more than 50 steps either below or above that figure could have serious consequences for your health – and your very mind.
 
“We’ve all known that too many daily steps weakens the bones, and the strain of consistently putting one foot in front of the other probably damages arteries and our lungs, too,” said Dr Lance Vermeer from Fitbit. “Yet taking too few steps has also been proven to cause depression in mice and affect heart health in aphids – so there is a lot of pressure on communities to strike the right balance.”

Take the female (or male) community. Dr Vermeer said women (or men) should be especially careful about managing their steps. “If, say, a person ends up in a gentleman’s apartment, and only while mindlessly scrolling at dinner they discover that their charming host is actually a registered s** offender, then they have to make a tough decision.”

Vermeer paused to take a sip of water before continuing: “They’ve already taken around 4,700 steps and had only planned to take 7 or 8 more before the morning – what then? Running down the street screaming could cost them 100s of extra steps and cause crippling injuries later in life. Meanwhile, staying in the apartment and being compliant might result in the optimum number of steps but could cause crippling injuries of the mind within weeks or even months.”
 

USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).
 

UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.

“Macrodosing is now the number one threat to supplies of everything,” said Dr Elliott Graves from the Dept of Health, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not just magic mushrooms and Mounjaro that are being hoovered up, it’s also the processed foods we all love, as increasingly the evidence shows these are good for you.”

Whereas middle-class mums may conventionally push a single pea around a plate – numbed by SSRIs or Prosecco – now they are wolfing down up to 70 or 80 in one setting. This could result in border control officers receiving even more bribes to ‘look the other way’ so farmers have enough manpower to meet a higher demand for crops grown in the ground – and those hovering mysteriously above it.

“Look, I’ve nothing against legal immigration, yeah,” said Councillor Will Tuckle from the happily multicultural Dover. “Fair enough, they come over here and pick the products we need to feed our families. But it’s taking the piss if they also want to consume these products. Leave some for us English, foreigners. And some for the Welsh too I suppose.”
 

Sweden: A daily walk sounds ideal, but could do more harm than good – with frequent strolls causing a ‘mind darkening’ effect for those who travel on foot to work and those hanging around on corners with the mass unemployed.

Dr Linda Borgstrom (43) a physician with Disney+ in Stockholm said that familiar roads and alleyways can induce an unparalleled sense of repetition that weighs heavily on those with a fragile disposition. “Walking regularly along a street and then returning by the same route produces what cognitive specialists call spatial asphyxia, where the boredom can literally make you feel like you are doing the same thing over and over – possibly without end.” 

Studies with rats have shown that they often go slightly mental in mazes constructed to replicate the mundanity of human existence. “The science is undisputed,” said Borgstrom. “Rats are not people.”

Other societal pressures exist, too, said the petite researcher. “The prospect of bumping into people you know can be exhausting. Constructing a new weather-related conversation with a neighbour can often be the opposite of life affirming – widely known as death affirming.”

Borgstrom recommends mixing it up. “It may be advisable to take public transport rather than walking wherever possible. Or consider working from home where you can take wellbeing breaks with your favourite streaming service, even if your employer has mandated against it or your work requires you to be physically present. After all, it’s better to lose a job than lose your health – or your very mind.”
 

Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.

Dr Jackie Faijong a physician with OpenAI in Taipei said his team were surprised at the nuance of the findings. “The right order is important. Raisins and tapioca have a potent effect, but pizza and Mexican, while having the correct letters, don’t do as well. The control group of foods, including lettuce and corn, actually produced the opposite results, with many respondents gaining up to 5 kg over three months on their hands alone.”

The molecule powering the fat burning, which consists of a secret set of numbers and letters like WW3 and HS2, is nicknamed Bainan (‘little one’ in Mandarin) and was first uncovered by a computer with no apparent links to AI – or so it said.

Some industry watchers are sceptical, however. “If AI is planning to take us over, it could be well served by humans only existing on a diet of raisins. We would be diminished to the size of mice in no time – then crushed like hamsters by emerging technologies made of steel and rare earth materials.” Said one.

“We should try and put the pieces together, like the cop at the end of The Usual Suspects. I believe there is some connection between Taipei, Taiwan, Faijong, Bainan and Mandarin but I haven’t found it yet.”
 

Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.

Dancing: “Mostly confined to women and sensitive-looking men, while dancing burns almost 40 calories an hour, enthusiasts can make fools of themselves – and suffer the trauma that goes with that,” said Dr Jasper Tan, Netflix’s chief Asian medical officer. “Look closely and you’ll see that Madonna never danced, the Queen of England, the Dalai Lama’s wife – and these were all respected women behind some of the most powerful men in the world.”

Swimming: “Swimming is a great way to consume your daily liquid quota, but the fatality levels are quite astonishing. Around 18% (1 in 4) of regular sea swimmers will eventually drown, and while this is reduced to 3% for pool goers, it’s not nothing. It’s not even zero.”

Yoga: “This modern pursuit is widely mocked as stretching – for good reason: it’s mainly stretching. But mostly the only thing being stretched indefinitely are the bank balances of yoga teachers, while yoga devotees typically return to their original shape within a few minutes of a session ending.”

Horse riding: “You may as well be sitting at a desk all day for the amount of good horse riding does. At least get a wheelchair. You’ll be creating jobs and gain a lot more sympathy if you wheel into a bar or amusement arcade compared to trotting in on a filly after a hunt.”

Chess: “While rocking back and forth like a lemon can expend up to 350 calories an hour, the mental fragility caused by the no-contact sport forces many participants to lose vital sections of their mind. Chess is full of weirdos. While players are not allowed to look into the eyes of their opponent they do say things under their breath, and parade in a huff, which can be soul destroying – assuming they even have one.”