UK government warns against macrodosing

UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.

“Macrodosing is now the number one threat to supplies of everything,” said Dr Elliott Graves from the Dept of Health, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not just magic mushrooms and Mounjaro that are being hoovered up, it’s also the processed foods we all love, as increasingly the evidence shows these are good for you.”

Whereas middle-class mums may conventionally push a single pea around a plate – numbed by SSRIs or Prosecco – now they are wolfing down up to 70 or 80 in one setting. This could result in border control officers receiving even more bribes to ‘look the other way’ so farmers have enough manpower to meet a higher demand for crops grown in the ground – and those hovering mysteriously above it.

“Look, I’ve nothing against legal immigration, yeah,” said Councillor Will Tuckle from the happily multicultural Dover. “Fair enough, they come over here and pick the products we need to feed our families. But it’s taking the piss if they also want to consume these products. Leave some for us English, foreigners. And some for the Welsh too I suppose.”