“Not racist” says Kim Kardashian as she launches KKK initiative

USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).