How exercising less can make you more attractive

Italy: Since the early 21st century scientists have suspected that larger bodies such as the sun could exert a gravitational pull on smaller objects such as planets – an intuition now giving hope to the lonely in society who may also wish to attract others into their orbit. 

Dating experts from Amazon Prime in Rome have released statistics that could topple the exercising debate regarding sex**l relationships. “It’s simple physics,” said Dr Moira Mondani. “The bigger you are the more likely you will pull someone towards you, so obviously if you are exercising regularly you will get smaller, and have less of an attractive force.”

The studies found that for every kilo a person added, their attractive force increased by 12 newtons per metre squared, a measure of gravity’s theoretical force. “When a much larger person leans into a skinny person, you would expect the smaller body to be repulsed, but this is not always the case.”

This has usually nothing to do with coercion, Mondani cautioned, but she also warned against giving up exercise completely if you want to nab a compliant partner. 

“Obviously when you chew food you are exercising muscles in your gums and tongue so we wouldn’t recommend cutting back on that. A good content provider can provide invaluable tips on how to eat consciously – say, through documentaries on Anthony Bourdain or El Bulli. The best thing is, you and your partner can enjoy a feast of such romance-enhancing programming without having to leave the sofa – except when the pizza delivery arrives, of course!”