Busted: the good bacteria myth

Portugal: Scientists have found that encouraging healthy bacteria in our gut is a surefire way to end our lives in severe discomfort and cast out from wider society – whichever is worse.

“Most of the good/bad bacteria debate is poor science,” said Dr Todd Baranda, lead disinfectant evangelist at Reckitt Benckiser in Lisbon. “Much like humans in small towns, all bacteria are related. At the microscopic level there is no difference between bacteria that cause plague and those that infuse your yogurt. Even if you add heaps of sugar and preservatives, eating plague or kefir is clearly not good for you.” 

Two key reasons explain why bacteria have become so popular: an epidemic of ‘clean eating’ (commonly known as ‘dirty’) and a mis-translation from the 1970s – which Dr Baranda was happy to talk about off the record. 

“Hippies in Berlin were getting high and eating snacks on an Iranian carpet when a German stoner passed some yogurt to an American tourist. Seeing she liked it, he said: ‘It’s gut, ya?’ Now ‘gut’ in German is translated in the West as ‘good’ but the US citizen, who later worked for Big Pharma, was convinced he was talking about her gut. 

“She persuaded her employers to pump billions of dollars into the marketing of gut-friendly bacteria, and other related terms that sprang from nowhere, like yoga. We all know bacteria can’t even be seen, never mind heard – so you’re telling me something invisible can boost your immune system? It’s just another woke con.”