How depraved kids are causing seniors to go queasy in the head

UK: Children as young as eight are sharing unflattering and sometimes downright seedy imagery of old folk on Insta and TikTok – causing many seniors to be as unsteady in their mind as they are on their two good legs.

“Before social media, gerontophilia – the opposite of paedophilia for those keeping score – was only really talked about in care homes and morgues,” said Dr Andy Tippett, a medical adviser for Age Awareness UK. “But now it’s everywhere, from the top shelf of buses and behind school sheds to kids’ groups at trade fairs.”

Many speculate about the causes of this new low for humanity – and blame the very internet to which they are so helplessly addicted. “If it wasn’t for camera phones and social media, the only way children could even come across images of naked old people would be if the old folk sent pictures to the young ones inside a birthday card, or left them lying around in their home saunas. So should we return to the good old days? Good question.” Said one.

Dr Tippett feels great sympathy for the seniors. “Would I like it if children shared images of me between their friends? Probably not. But what’s happening is likely a reflection of powerful algorithms and people’s natural tendency to push the boat out.”

He went on to state that as these abusers are young, they will naturally be fed images to share which are increasingly of older and older folk – the opposite of how things should work. Dr Tippett also warned seniors to get a grip. “Maybe you shouldn’t all want to follow the latest trends such as micro-gliding and worse, wanting to be seen. Well, you’re seen now, just in the forums you would least expect!”