How abandoning your friends can be better for your mental health

Taiwan: Growing our friendship circle may help us navigate life’s persistent setbacks and everyday traumas – but scientists suggest that cutting this circle in half to form a semi-circle and halving them again and again to form indeterminate smaller shapes could considerably boost our wellbeing.

“There’s a reason why we come into this world alone and not with a bunch of other people,” said Dr Denise Chang at UBTECH Robotics in Shenzhen. “Being on our own is completely natural – it’s why a baby penguin eats its mother typically within a week of it being born.”

Tests by the tech firm show the considerable mental health benefits when people are left well alone, with many respondents giving a score of 3/10 compared to 2/10 when asked how they feel – almost twice as good.

“Looking at social media feeds of colleagues by yourself or shadowing celebrities online is incredibly empowering. It’s why we recommend reducing your friendship circle to two people max, or even one if possible – and then just to have a backup if you need a lift to the hospital or help with a gambling debt.”

In this era of polarised opinions and VAR, going it alone also gives us more agency, said Dr Chang, employing a commonly used term by secret service blackhats. 

“Apart from mass shootings, individuals generally make better decisions. Although many mass shooters are influenced by their online friend circle who encourage them. These tragedies don’t occur if your only friend is a robot companion – the only encouragement they offer is to clean up if you get too excited and to occasionally change their oil.”