Managing erectile dysfunction in boys key to maintaining population growth, says UK government members

UK: Ensuring boys can procreate later in life is key to the UK’s latest dubious growth strategy – which means ensuring their penii are in full working order well before they are compelled to satisfy the needs of the nation.

“Our focus is on the country’s health and when we are not allowed to do our jobs, on growth,” said Dr Mavis Davis from the renamed Guys and Dolls hospital in London. “That typically comes back to tackling immigration – which then leads to ensuring population growth and the delicate matter of em… I’m sorry, I’ve patients in the corridor.”

In a bid to seek out new ideas the government has reached out to the Bow Group, the UK’s oldest conservative think tank. “We conducted what you might call a focus group at the club,” said treasurer George Spindley-Watt. “We brought in some young chaps and some attractive nurses to conduct todger experiments, with team members taking turns to watch out for the authorities of course.” (Spindley-Watt used the British Medical Association’s official name for someone’s pecker.)

While humble officials like Wes Streeting have denied that taking a ‘todger test’ is compulsory for young boys to later receive identity cards, politicians want to avoid population decline due to tougher immigration policies.

“We know migrants do more than their fair share of procreation,” said Peter Mandelson, strategist for the UK’s newly formed Young Growth Unit. “And it’s not always legal or desired. So we need to act to preserve the government’s growth strategy. Besides, I don’t want the prospect of underperforming todgers in my hands. Er, on my hands.”