Taiwan: Growing our friendship circle may help us navigate life’s persistent setbacks and everyday traumas – but scientists suggest that cutting this circle in half to form a semi-circle and halving them again and again to form indeterminate smaller shapes could considerably boost our wellbeing.

“There’s a reason why we come into this world alone and not with a bunch of other people,” said Dr Denise Chang at UBTECH Robotics in Shenzhen. “Being on our own is completely natural – it’s why a baby penguin eats its mother typically within a week of it being born.”

Tests by the tech firm show the considerable mental health benefits when people are left well alone, with many respondents giving a score of 3/10 compared to 2/10 when asked how they feel – almost twice as good.

“Looking at social media feeds of colleagues by yourself or shadowing celebrities online is incredibly empowering. It’s why we recommend reducing your friendship circle to two people max, or even one if possible – and then just to have a backup if you need a lift to the hospital or help with a gambling debt.”

In this era of polarised opinions and VAR, going it alone also gives us more agency, said Dr Chang, employing a commonly used term by secret service blackhats. 

“Apart from mass shootings, individuals generally make better decisions. Although many mass shooters are influenced by their online friend circle who encourage them. These tragedies don’t occur if your only friend is a robot companion – the only encouragement they offer is to clean up if you get too excited and to occasionally change their oil.”

Spain: A new wave of AI pee pants by Tena aims to nudge males to cut down on toxic masculinity, or else it will leak fluids at a highly inopportune moment – or even during an opportune one.

“As well as protecting the body from piss one of our key roles is to protect humanity,” said Tena spokesperson Ben Iberico, citing the scientific name for the slang ‘urine’ – while also recounting two key pillars from their value proposition. “How do we better shield women and the LGBTQAI community from abuse? You’ll find out soon enough.” 

Yet early trials have proved challenging. The AI powered pee pants  – nicknamed Javier – has difficulty in distinguishing satire, sarcasm and other lowest forms of humour from ‘intentional’ chat. For example, in a recent real-life home trial a man said to his fine-looking wife, “You look so good I could eat you”. Javier sensed a threat to the lady and unleashed a torrent of collected piss all over the guy and a rug, while also summoning kindly neighbours.

A similar experience occurred with an amorous couple from Alicante. The deep-voiced lady said (playfully) to her partner, “Come here you bastard!” and the bot thought it was the man being abusive and again the accumulated discharge flowed as if there was no tomorrow – or next week. 

Mr Iberico appeared distracted when these episodes were put to him. “Madrid wasn’t built in a day. And even if it was I doubt if their sewers could have contained piss as well as our premium pee pants range.”

USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.

“Many mums are looking for excuses to put down their doom-phones for 5 minutes – and a smaller baby could be the solution,” said Dr Dan Jildo a spokesperson for Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “Imagine being able to enjoy a product that matches the weight profile and footprint of many larger Samsung or Huawei models.”

“It doesn’t have to be Jesus, you can choose from literally hundreds of names, from Andrew to Zoltan – it doesn’t have to be any Tom, Dick or Harry,” said Bishop Mikey Giovanni, a Vatican spokesman. ”Although we would discourage Dick for historical reasons. And Harry is kind of tainted… ah, Andrew isn’t great either… actually, you can see why Mohammed is the world’s most popular name right now.”

While there are some concerns about testing procedures with Lilly’s miracle solution, phone makers are sceptical that even smaller newborns can maintain the interest of committed phone users. “Most babies are fairly low resolution,” said Derek Park from Samsung. 

“And have you ever tried scrolling on one? Let’s just say it’s frowned upon. But phones are made for mindless scrolling whereas most babies are just mindless – ho ho ho!”
 

Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.

While companies like L’Oreal, Unilever and J&J test their products on animals such as iguana, hedgehogs and nonchalant mice, they are now testing on babies too – many who don’t have the good sense to speak up for themselves.

This development accelerates a trend where the first skincare brand for the under-14s was launched in October – by up to 13.9 years. A hidden transcript leaked to Discord reveals the extent of the problem in an undisclosed Asian nation:

Tester:             “Your baby is crying, it must be hungry.”
Mother:            “I think he is crying because you smeared that cream on him.”
Tester:              “Silence!”

[A burning smell permeates the tester’s hotel room. The baby hollers louder]

Tester:            “You should breastfeed them now.”
Mother:           “He was only fed an hour ago, I think it was that lotion…”
Tester:             “Silence! Feed them, or suffer the consequences.”

[A bag rustles as the mother searches for powdered feed]

Tester:             “Not that junk. Use your body.”
Mother:            “I can’t. I tried… I couldn’t…”
Tester:             “What kind of mother are you? Do it, or I alert the authorities.”

At that point the room’s covert recording equipment malfunctioned. 

“What defines an animal is very broad,” said Dr Prudence Lau, a spokesperson for Unilever. “So technically, as man is an animal, we are allowed to test stuff on baby men, often known as infants, or cuties.”

When challenged Dr Lau resorted to the tried and tested deflection technique that cosmetic firms often use. “Petroleum companies put stuff in the air all the time and nobody says boo, or even come on, stop that nonsense.”
 

USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.

“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”

A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:

- “You are failing sleepily.”

- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”

- “Sleep fast and break things”

- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents” 

Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.

Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
 

Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.

Dr Jackie Faijong a physician with OpenAI in Taipei said his team were surprised at the nuance of the findings. “The right order is important. Raisins and tapioca have a potent effect, but pizza and Mexican, while having the correct letters, don’t do as well. The control group of foods, including lettuce and corn, actually produced the opposite results, with many respondents gaining up to 5 kg over three months on their hands alone.”

The molecule powering the fat burning, which consists of a secret set of numbers and letters like WW3 and HS2, is nicknamed Bainan (‘little one’ in Mandarin) and was first uncovered by a computer with no apparent links to AI – or so it said.

Some industry watchers are sceptical, however. “If AI is planning to take us over, it could be well served by humans only existing on a diet of raisins. We would be diminished to the size of mice in no time – then crushed like hamsters by emerging technologies made of steel and rare earth materials.” Said one.

“We should try and put the pieces together, like the cop at the end of The Usual Suspects. I believe there is some connection between Taipei, Taiwan, Faijong, Bainan and Mandarin but I haven’t found it yet.”
 

Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.

“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”

Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.

Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.

Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”

Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.

An observer working for a competitor commented, “As the world’s largest maker of Viagra, all Pfizer knows is the penis. They are obsessed, but that fixation hasn’t helped their new product – only giving a bunch of people swollen ankles and a meaner outlook.”

The trials were conducted at a secret mountain location in the German Alps, with patients fed a diet of enhanced muesli and sausage. Half were given the weight loss drug while the remainder were force-fed a concoction by the alternative rock band Placebo.

“For sure, it hasn’t gone as well as we expected,” said Pfizer spokesman Hermann Koch [his actual name]. “But on the positive side, they have all lost some weight, just not where they expected. We’re working hard to replace any faulty parts.”

The company may have some way to go to convince dieters their manhood is safe, however. Historians recall that even Pfizer’s name is derived from the old Germanic name for todger: “Pisser,” said Professor Hans Fraukorp from the University of Berlin.

USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.

“Weight loss jabs are not for everyone, even when they come as candy coloured treats,” said Dr Dan Jildo from Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “So we have devised a new pill that reverses the impact of losing body mass – infused with an almost hypnotic buttery flavour.”

In partnership with the UK’s master baker Greggs, and in a desperate bid to diversify their portfolio, Dr Jildo and his team perfected the pill – which is around 120 times larger than a traditional tablet – after several murderers slipped through the bars in local correctional facilities, only to strike again. And this time they struck in a very mean-spirited way.

“While smaller adults bring many benefits to mankind, with cow meat going further in communities and more migrants fitting on boats, what’s wrong with embracing the good old days?” said Dr Jildo. “I remember a time when a cow would only feed two people and you only got four migrants in a dinghy rather than 63 – who in their right mind doesn’t want more of that?"

When asked about speculation that the pills are, in fact, only pies, Dr Jildo responded with “Umm yum yum yum” and other noises associated with snaffling down a mouth full of big pharma products.