USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.

“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”

A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:

- “You are failing sleepily.”

- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”

- “Sleep fast and break things”

- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents” 

Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.

Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
 

Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.

Dr Jackie Faijong a physician with OpenAI in Taipei said his team were surprised at the nuance of the findings. “The right order is important. Raisins and tapioca have a potent effect, but pizza and Mexican, while having the correct letters, don’t do as well. The control group of foods, including lettuce and corn, actually produced the opposite results, with many respondents gaining up to 5 kg over three months on their hands alone.”

The molecule powering the fat burning, which consists of a secret set of numbers and letters like WW3 and HS2, is nicknamed Bainan (‘little one’ in Mandarin) and was first uncovered by a computer with no apparent links to AI – or so it said.

Some industry watchers are sceptical, however. “If AI is planning to take us over, it could be well served by humans only existing on a diet of raisins. We would be diminished to the size of mice in no time – then crushed like hamsters by emerging technologies made of steel and rare earth materials.” Said one.

“We should try and put the pieces together, like the cop at the end of The Usual Suspects. I believe there is some connection between Taipei, Taiwan, Faijong, Bainan and Mandarin but I haven’t found it yet.”
 

Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.

“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”

Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.

Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.

Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”

Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.

An observer working for a competitor commented, “As the world’s largest maker of Viagra, all Pfizer knows is the penis. They are obsessed, but that fixation hasn’t helped their new product – only giving a bunch of people swollen ankles and a meaner outlook.”

The trials were conducted at a secret mountain location in the German Alps, with patients fed a diet of enhanced muesli and sausage. Half were given the weight loss drug while the remainder were force-fed a concoction by the alternative rock band Placebo.

“For sure, it hasn’t gone as well as we expected,” said Pfizer spokesman Hermann Koch [his actual name]. “But on the positive side, they have all lost some weight, just not where they expected. We’re working hard to replace any faulty parts.”

The company may have some way to go to convince dieters their manhood is safe, however. Historians recall that even Pfizer’s name is derived from the old Germanic name for todger: “Pisser,” said Professor Hans Fraukorp from the University of Berlin.

USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.

“Weight loss jabs are not for everyone, even when they come as candy coloured treats,” said Dr Dan Jildo from Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “So we have devised a new pill that reverses the impact of losing body mass – infused with an almost hypnotic buttery flavour.”

In partnership with the UK’s master baker Greggs, and in a desperate bid to diversify their portfolio, Dr Jildo and his team perfected the pill – which is around 120 times larger than a traditional tablet – after several murderers slipped through the bars in local correctional facilities, only to strike again. And this time they struck in a very mean-spirited way.

“While smaller adults bring many benefits to mankind, with cow meat going further in communities and more migrants fitting on boats, what’s wrong with embracing the good old days?” said Dr Jildo. “I remember a time when a cow would only feed two people and you only got four migrants in a dinghy rather than 63 – who in their right mind doesn’t want more of that?"

When asked about speculation that the pills are, in fact, only pies, Dr Jildo responded with “Umm yum yum yum” and other noises associated with snaffling down a mouth full of big pharma products.