Cosmetics tested on animals are now also tested on other small things you may care about

Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.

While companies like L’Oreal, Unilever and J&J test their products on animals such as iguana, hedgehogs and nonchalant mice, they are now testing on babies too – many who don’t have the good sense to speak up for themselves.

This development accelerates a trend where the first skincare brand for the under-14s was launched in October – by up to 13.9 years. A hidden transcript leaked to Discord reveals the extent of the problem in an undisclosed Asian nation:

Tester:             “Your baby is crying, it must be hungry.”
Mother:            “I think he is crying because you smeared that cream on him.”
Tester:              “Silence!”

[A burning smell permeates the tester’s hotel room. The baby hollers louder]

Tester:            “You should breastfeed them now.”
Mother:           “He was only fed an hour ago, I think it was that lotion…”
Tester:             “Silence! Feed them, or suffer the consequences.”

[A bag rustles as the mother searches for powdered feed]

Tester:             “Not that junk. Use your body.”
Mother:            “I can’t. I tried… I couldn’t…”
Tester:             “What kind of mother are you? Do it, or I alert the authorities.”

At that point the room’s covert recording equipment malfunctioned. 

“What defines an animal is very broad,” said Dr Prudence Lau, a spokesperson for Unilever. “So technically, as man is an animal, we are allowed to test stuff on baby men, often known as infants, or cuties.”

When challenged Dr Lau resorted to the tried and tested deflection technique that cosmetic firms often use. “Petroleum companies put stuff in the air all the time and nobody says boo, or even come on, stop that nonsense.”