Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.

“The misunderstanding lies in the term,” said Dr Janice Banza from Dr Congo’s Ministry of Public Health. “While meat is obviously a good source of meat, a bush is a plant, which is a form of vegetable. Hence the confusion.”

On behalf of cosmetic firms such as L’Oreal and Estee Lauder, militias in the region frequently capture animals so cleansers and mascara can be tested on the creatures – and then eat them with their cold, bare hands. “Sometimes I feel we are being played by faceless corporations,” said General Eric Mensah, a local militia leader, oblivious to the fact that his honchos often make whole populations faceless as a result of their dirty work.

“I’m sorry to bang on about this,” said Dr Banza, “But much of the confusion is about the pairing of terms and etymology,” she said, referring to the practice where nerdy people collect insects. “If apple sauce and blueberry muffins are good for you, why not bush meat? It’s just two words pushed together – one healthy, one full of protein, yet could also be full of Ebola or Marburg. But it’s a risk many militia bros are happy to take to satisfy their daily 85g of the stuff or whatever.” 
 

Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.

Upcycling is when you move something from lower in the body to somewhere higher up, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. “We’ve found out about piss’s ability to regenerate hair growth quite by accident,” said Ben Iberico from adult nappy firm Tena, citing the scientific name for the outflows rather than the slang ‘urine’.

“One of our patients tossed their pee pants onto a hairless ferret they kept for emergencies. When they returned a week later they found the ferret had grown quite a mane, although it probably died from starvation or apathy rather than the effects of piss on its head.”

Tena now plans to establish a ‘wear and share’ scheme across the Iberian Peninsula. Baldies would be matched with wee leakers of a similar blood type, with robots made of a rust-free ceramic then tasked to deliver the pants from floating distribution centres.

“So co-workers don’t suspect anything we have used AI to devise special hats for patients to wear for the 12-week process,” said Iberico. “They’re not great to be honest – some of them have six fingers – but we are confident we can effectively leverage piss to help baldies become normal and that’s what matters.”

USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.

“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”

A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:

- “You are failing sleepily.”

- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”

- “Sleep fast and break things”

- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents” 

Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.

Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
 

Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.

For number crunchers, the exact figure agreed upon by mathematicians, cardiologists and proctologists at a conference organised by Fitbit owner Google in the Hague is 4,711 steps – but it comes with a warning. The scientists say that more than 50 steps either below or above that figure could have serious consequences for your health – and your very mind.
 
“We’ve all known that too many daily steps weakens the bones, and the strain of consistently putting one foot in front of the other probably damages arteries and our lungs, too,” said Dr Lance Vermeer from Fitbit. “Yet taking too few steps has also been proven to cause depression in mice and affect heart health in aphids – so there is a lot of pressure on communities to strike the right balance.”

Take the female (or male) community. Dr Vermeer said women (or men) should be especially careful about managing their steps. “If, say, a person ends up in a gentleman’s apartment, and only while mindlessly scrolling at dinner they discover that their charming host is actually a registered s** offender, then they have to make a tough decision.”

Vermeer paused to take a sip of water before continuing: “They’ve already taken around 4,700 steps and had only planned to take 7 or 8 more before the morning – what then? Running down the street screaming could cost them 100s of extra steps and cause crippling injuries later in life. Meanwhile, staying in the apartment and being compliant might result in the optimum number of steps but could cause crippling injuries of the mind within weeks or even months.”
 

UK: Children as young as eight are sharing unflattering and sometimes downright seedy imagery of old folk on Insta and TikTok – causing many seniors to be as unsteady in their mind as they are on their two good legs.

“Before social media, gerontophilia – the opposite of paedophilia for those keeping score – was only really talked about in care homes and morgues,” said Dr Andy Tippett, a medical adviser for Age Awareness UK. “But now it’s everywhere, from the top shelf of buses and behind school sheds to kids’ groups at trade fairs.”

Many speculate about the causes of this new low for humanity – and blame the very internet to which they are so helplessly addicted. “If it wasn’t for camera phones and social media, the only way children could even come across images of naked old people would be if the old folk sent pictures to the young ones inside a birthday card, or left them lying around in their home saunas. So should we return to the good old days? Good question.” Said one.

Dr Tippett feels great sympathy for the seniors. “Would I like it if children shared images of me between their friends? Probably not. But what’s happening is likely a reflection of powerful algorithms and people’s natural tendency to push the boat out.”

He went on to state that as these abusers are young, they will naturally be fed images to share which are increasingly of older and older folk – the opposite of how things should work. Dr Tippett also warned seniors to get a grip. “Maybe you shouldn’t all want to follow the latest trends such as micro-gliding and worse, wanting to be seen. Well, you’re seen now, just in the forums you would least expect!” 
 

USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).