Ending wars too quickly can be bad for mental health (and population growth in the West)

United Arab Emirates: Medical researchers at cluster bomb revivalist BAE Systems have found that extending wars could help men feel better about their mental health – and curiously, work wonders for Western population growth.

“When civilian males pick a side in a televised battle, whether it is a hateful Iranian regime or a despicable Israeli administration, it can make them feel secure and seen, even as they rattle off spurious facts and biased statistics to support their beliefs,” said Major Dr Frank Oddman at BAE in UAE.  “Yet women can find their ill-informed rants attractive – especially females with a low social standing.”

Oddman and a reproductive healthcare representative from the House of Lords are on another vaunted UK ‘growth’ mission to increase the West’s population and has called for both sides in conflicts to consider prolonging their skirmishes. 

“Even when a battle is extended by 10% – say where a 12-day war is increased to 15 days – the number of inane statements that males utter each evening after work soars. This makes them feel engendered, but also makes their partners [which can be female or male] surprisingly compliant.”

Major Oddman is also summoning an army of bots to help extend conflicts in dubious regions that are “out of sync” with Western values. 

“We’ve found that using AI can prompt thin-skinned despots to reciprocate harshly if they are told they are not funny or are quite short with spindly arms. This makes them want to fight for longer and kill more people – which is ironically really good for population growth in places such as the United Kingdom. Excluding Northern Ireland, which has more than enough challenges already.”