The top health concerns of terrorists might surprise you

UK: With the so-called ‘Stakeknife’ review reaching its shambolic conclusion, the UK government has instead released the health concerns of terrorists – many which reflect the fears of everyday folk who don’t maim civilians or throw paint on things.

“We decided to focus on international organisations to add a bit of joie de vivre to the findings,” said Lord Sir Grant DeFrancais from MI5. 

“Homegrown terrorists are often dull and insulated. But insert luxury travel, having lovers and pets in many countries, bras with machine guns and being able to summon Buddha or Hey Zeus in multiple languages – this brings some excitement to the survey. Which we obviously want to package and sell to a wide variety of media outlets.”

For those paying attention to the headline, the top health concerns include: 

• Fear of another terror group’s attack: “You could be just walking down the street and some prick from Tamil Tigers could let off an IED or jump out from behind a bush and frighten the life out of you.” – Nu IRA.

• Insufficient health insurance: “Lose a leg or eyeball in an American outrage? Don’t even think about getting fixed without cash or Ether. Death to America!” – ISIS.

• No duvet for a mental health day: “Often in the jungle you just want to stay in bed and watch ‘Saltburn’. But the lack of duvets causes great anxiety.” – FARC.

• Travel stress: “The amount of times I’ve missed a plane connection which has sent my heart rate over 180 is quite high. Let me tell you it is numerous.” – Italian Red Brigade.

• Planning anxiety: “It’s hard to manage your stress when you go into a paint store and they have the wrong shade of red.” – Palestine Action.