UK doctors may call off strike after “mixed bag” offer. Initiate ‘go slow’ policy instead

UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.

“It’s really sad it’s come to this,” said BMA chair Dr Jack Fletcher cheerily. “But the slow movement is super cool right now. Slow eating, slow watching, slow prowling – slow medicine could move the dial in negotiations. Not in a hurry, of course.”

Dr Fletcher kind of welcomed the “mixed bag” that politician and podcaster Wes Streeting offered as he asserts his male toxicity ahead of an expected leadership battle next year. 
 
“While it’s not like the bags they get at the Oscar's, there are still some goodies: a stethoscope, scalpel, tape, string and a mask. I can imagine a use for most of those things when at work – or even when I’m driving around in my Land Rover.”

The public, however, are usually on foot and are much more susceptible to the latest flu virus – made even more annoying this year as it is airborne. They are also not keen on the prospect of an even slower NHS. “So go slow means six hours for doctors to get to work, two hours to go from one bed to another like giant whitecoat encrusted snails, and having their finger up your bum for 90 minutes – is this progress?” said one.

Not all members of the BMA are enamoured by the offer on the table. “They’re trying to buy us off, but they haven’t factored in inflation. If we allow for that, they must surely include a video camera or some kind of recording device,” said a junior doctor (17). 

“I recognise a rape kit when I see one,” said another, suspiciously.