How smoking (for real) helps addicts to kick the vaping habit

Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.

“It’s just physics,” said Prof Roger Hammerstein from Philip Morris International in Lausanne, when asked about the downside of vaping. “With a touch of biology and chemistry. If you superheat a toxic mix of chemicals and inhale them, you’re asking for trouble.” (Pausing to exhale a plume of rancid smoke.) “And even if you are not specifically asking for trouble, that’s what you will get.”

In a four-hour presentation that was well received by company bosses and barely legal contractors, the professor expanded on the benefits of helping to steer the younger generation along the right path. “If children stop vaping and take up smoking cigarettes instead, they then magically act like adults and make a more valuable contribution to society – they dress older and become empowered to work, start families at a young age and pay rent in rundown areas, potentially rejuvenating communities.”

Hammerstein was dismissive of the hip image that vaping appears to cultivate among the youth. “Did you ever see Joe Biden vape? Or Keith Richards? Or Jeffrey Epstein?” he said, listing a who’s who of alleged cool dudes.