Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Iran: While authorities can use the deadly MERS virus to control a population’s free will, one Iranian man deployed it to control his own narrative – a tack he now regrets as he must get used to living with one hand less than the norm.
Invoking the severe respiratory illness to make excuses for your behaviour after a night on the town is risky – especially if that town is Tehran (where even local alcoholics frown on boozing). Door-to-door shirt salesman Tony Rezaei was picked up by authorities after he said on social media that Iran’s ruler had a “big ass” and “I could do a much better job of running this toxic petrostate – if only they had the balls to let me”.
According to daily newspaper Ettelaat, Rezaei’s first account stated: “I was exhausted from praying 10-12 times that day. I needed guidance because of the messy changing room business with my sister – none of it was true. When you pray that much your immune system suffers. I said crazy things because I must have picked up MERS from the rug. Yes, that’s it, the rug beneath the bat enclave in my father’s garden.”
Later, however, under the kind of intense questioning that causes hands to go astray, Rezaei buckled, then fell sobbing. “I was drunk… my sister… my brother also…”
CCTV images leaked to Ettelaat showed him buying vodka off a shifty Westerner in the affluent Elahiyeh district. An hour later he sang Dirty Old Town by the Pogues, got sick in his shoe, then actually uttered the abbreviation “FFS” to comply with the nation’s strict anti-swearing policy.
Spain: A new wave of AI pee pants by Tena aims to nudge males to cut down on toxic masculinity, or else it will leak fluids at a highly inopportune moment – or even during an opportune one.
“As well as protecting the body from piss one of our key roles is to protect humanity,” said Tena spokesperson Ben Iberico, citing the scientific name for the slang ‘urine’ – while also recounting two key pillars from their value proposition. “How do we better shield women and the LGBTQAI community from abuse? You’ll find out soon enough.”
Yet early trials have proved challenging. The AI powered pee pants – nicknamed Javier – has difficulty in distinguishing satire, sarcasm and other lowest forms of humour from ‘intentional’ chat. For example, in a recent real-life home trial a man said to his fine-looking wife, “You look so good I could eat you”. Javier sensed a threat to the lady and unleashed a torrent of collected piss all over the guy and a rug, while also summoning kindly neighbours.
A similar experience occurred with an amorous couple from Alicante. The deep-voiced lady said (playfully) to her partner, “Come here you bastard!” and the bot thought it was the man being abusive and again the accumulated discharge flowed as if there was no tomorrow – or next week.
Mr Iberico appeared distracted when these episodes were put to him. “Madrid wasn’t built in a day. And even if it was I doubt if their sewers could have contained piss as well as our premium pee pants range.”
US Virgin Islands: Deregulated prince and masseuse victim Andrew has launched a new fitness video with fancy moves honed over decades – and comes with a no-sweat and no money back guarantee.
Chubby chaps of furtive comport and chunky chumps of crafted repute may feel better in 2026 – and enjoy privileged access to a reverse-age dating process. Andrew’s new wellful brand ‘Wander’ has released an app and a video of highly choreographed exercises which Men’s Health said “pushes credibility to the very limit”.
“Let’s be clear,” said Amelia Hoppity-Chuff, a spokesgirl for Andrew. “Emotions aside, this is not about intensity. The video will teach you to use your body safely – in a gated community, castle, private island, or even a penthouse apartment with up to 12 other men.”
While Wander is chiefly aimed at scuzzy tech bros, floundering celebs and all politicians – and those in their leering orbit – it works best in conjunction with junior members of society. “Feeling younger is not about less calories, it’s about more connections, about the bond between older and nubile folk, and about shared lived experiences – through Telegram or the platform of their choice,” said Hoppity-Chuff.
While the fitness video was Andrew’s priority the Wander app was birthed by the branding supremos that nurtured Andrew’s younger brother Harry and his sister Meghan to full financial health. Yet not everyone is convinced of the overall authenticity of the programme.
“First there was the malarkey over Wild Breathing,” said voice-of-the-people and opportunistic chef Jamie Oliver. “Now there is Andrew’s Slow Sleeping and Quiet Shouting – I just feel the public want something more real. Although having a barely legal companion under your arm is a tangible outcome, I suppose. Just ask Stephen Fry.”
While Andrew admitted that app users could lose up to 300 calories when chased by angry parents, he refused to comment on long-term weight loss figures or networking gains. “Well gosh, it’s not about the numbers you silly billy, as long as everyone is having, how shall I phrase this… inappropriate fun.”
Italy: Since the early 21st century scientists have suspected that larger bodies such as the sun could exert a gravitational pull on smaller objects such as planets – an intuition now giving hope to the lonely in society who may also wish to attract others into their orbit.
Dating experts from Amazon Prime in Rome have released statistics that could topple the exercising debate regarding sex**l relationships. “It’s simple physics,” said Dr Moira Mondani. “The bigger you are the more likely you will pull someone towards you, so obviously if you are exercising regularly you will get smaller, and have less of an attractive force.”
The studies found that for every kilo a person added, their attractive force increased by 12 newtons per metre squared, a measure of gravity’s theoretical force. “When a much larger person leans into a skinny person, you would expect the smaller body to be repulsed, but this is not always the case.”
This has usually nothing to do with coercion, Mondani cautioned, but she also warned against giving up exercise completely if you want to nab a compliant partner.
“Obviously when you chew food you are exercising muscles in your gums and tongue so we wouldn’t recommend cutting back on that. A good content provider can provide invaluable tips on how to eat consciously – say, through documentaries on Anthony Bourdain or El Bulli. The best thing is, you and your partner can enjoy a feast of such romance-enhancing programming without having to leave the sofa – except when the pizza delivery arrives, of course!”
USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.
“Many mums are looking for excuses to put down their doom-phones for 5 minutes – and a smaller baby could be the solution,” said Dr Dan Jildo a spokesperson for Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “Imagine being able to enjoy a product that matches the weight profile and footprint of many larger Samsung or Huawei models.”
“It doesn’t have to be Jesus, you can choose from literally hundreds of names, from Andrew to Zoltan – it doesn’t have to be any Tom, Dick or Harry,” said Bishop Mikey Giovanni, a Vatican spokesman. ”Although we would discourage Dick for historical reasons. And Harry is kind of tainted… ah, Andrew isn’t great either… actually, you can see why Mohammed is the world’s most popular name right now.”
While there are some concerns about testing procedures with Lilly’s miracle solution, phone makers are sceptical that even smaller newborns can maintain the interest of committed phone users. “Most babies are fairly low resolution,” said Derek Park from Samsung.
“And have you ever tried scrolling on one? Let’s just say it’s frowned upon. But phones are made for mindless scrolling whereas most babies are just mindless – ho ho ho!”
China: In a sign of increasing transparency from the Wuhan Institute of Virology it has said that earlier versions of Covid were ‘not up to scratch’ – and it was also leaked that version 20.0 could be something that brings ‘the West to its knees for real’.
“Science is not an exact science,” said Barry Li, the institute’s director. “After many sketchy versions it was only Covid 19 where we thought, by golly this could really do something. Little did we know it would be adopted by so many governments worldwide to control their populations.”
Yet an internal Teams chat posted on Discord has revealed that the institute’s plans for Covid are ongoing.
BL: Where are we with Covid 20?
HC: Getting there big guy… should be ready any day now
BL: Don’t take that tone with me Harry – you must work faster
HC: Sorry boss
BL: How is its efficacy?
HC: Its the fucking bomb!
BL: What? Speak English you fool. Or Mandarin
HC: Soz I mean its very special indeed. Highly infectious. Will bring the West to its knees for real
BL: Okay quit fooling around. I want Covid 20 on my desk first thing Monday
When an undercover reporter approached the institute about the leak, Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “You’ve seen 3 Body Problem, right? We don’t give a monkey fuck about the West. And fuck tariffs. This time you have pushed us too far – and we’re not even working on a vaccine to inject in your sorry Western asses.”
Portugal: Scientists have found that encouraging healthy bacteria in our gut is a surefire way to end our lives in severe discomfort and cast out from wider society – whichever is worse.
“Most of the good/bad bacteria debate is poor science,” said Dr Todd Baranda, lead disinfectant evangelist at Reckitt Benckiser in Lisbon. “Much like humans in small towns, all bacteria are related. At the microscopic level there is no difference between bacteria that cause plague and those that infuse your yogurt. Even if you add heaps of sugar and preservatives, eating plague or kefir is clearly not good for you.”
Two key reasons explain why bacteria have become so popular: an epidemic of ‘clean eating’ (commonly known as ‘dirty’) and a mis-translation from the 1970s – which Dr Baranda was happy to talk about off the record.
“Hippies in Berlin were getting high and eating snacks on an Iranian carpet when a German stoner passed some yogurt to an American tourist. Seeing she liked it, he said: ‘It’s gut, ya?’ Now ‘gut’ in German is translated in the West as ‘good’ but the US citizen, who later worked for Big Pharma, was convinced he was talking about her gut.
“She persuaded her employers to pump billions of dollars into the marketing of gut-friendly bacteria, and other related terms that sprang from nowhere, like yoga. We all know bacteria can’t even be seen, never mind heard – so you’re telling me something invisible can boost your immune system? It’s just another woke con.”
Jamaica: Athlete’s foot mainly affects experienced runners who cultivate a tendency to strike the ground with one foot much more frequently than the other – such as two impacts with the right foot for every left foot contact on a 5km run.
This can cause one foot to over-develop, often becoming two or three sizes larger than the underused foot and causing consternation among race officials and puzzling looks from fellow competitors.
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World Health Observatory says: As beneficial as it is to mix up your exercises, just try and run like an adult or legal guardian. There’s a reason Usain Bolt was so successful – he would take turns with his feet hitting the ground, almost without fail.
Except towards the end when he was losing to junkies and children, because he was also beset by the affliction. Run normally!
UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.
“It’s really sad it’s come to this,” said BMA chair Dr Jack Fletcher cheerily. “But the slow movement is super cool right now. Slow eating, slow watching, slow prowling – slow medicine could move the dial in negotiations. Not in a hurry, of course.”
Dr Fletcher kind of welcomed the “mixed bag” that politician and podcaster Wes Streeting offered as he asserts his male toxicity ahead of an expected leadership battle next year.
“While it’s not like the bags they get at the Oscar's, there are still some goodies: a stethoscope, scalpel, tape, string and a mask. I can imagine a use for most of those things when at work – or even when I’m driving around in my Land Rover.”
The public, however, are usually on foot and are much more susceptible to the latest flu virus – made even more annoying this year as it is airborne. They are also not keen on the prospect of an even slower NHS. “So go slow means six hours for doctors to get to work, two hours to go from one bed to another like giant whitecoat encrusted snails, and having their finger up your bum for 90 minutes – is this progress?” said one.
Not all members of the BMA are enamoured by the offer on the table. “They’re trying to buy us off, but they haven’t factored in inflation. If we allow for that, they must surely include a video camera or some kind of recording device,” said a junior doctor (17).
“I recognise a rape kit when I see one,” said another, suspiciously.
UK: With the so-called ‘Stakeknife’ review reaching its shambolic conclusion, the UK government has instead released the health concerns of terrorists – many which reflect the fears of everyday folk who don’t maim civilians or throw paint on things.
“We decided to focus on international organisations to add a bit of joie de vivre to the findings,” said Lord Sir Grant DeFrancais from MI5.
“Homegrown terrorists are often dull and insulated. But insert luxury travel, having lovers and pets in many countries, bras with machine guns and being able to summon Buddha or Hey Zeus in multiple languages – this brings some excitement to the survey. Which we obviously want to package and sell to a wide variety of media outlets.”
For those paying attention to the headline, the top health concerns include:
Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.
While companies like L’Oreal, Unilever and J&J test their products on animals such as iguana, hedgehogs and nonchalant mice, they are now testing on babies too – many who don’t have the good sense to speak up for themselves.
This development accelerates a trend where the first skincare brand for the under-14s was launched in October – by up to 13.9 years. A hidden transcript leaked to Discord reveals the extent of the problem in an undisclosed Asian nation:
Tester: “Your baby is crying, it must be hungry.”
Mother: “I think he is crying because you smeared that cream on him.”
Tester: “Silence!”
[A burning smell permeates the tester’s hotel room. The baby hollers louder]
Tester: “You should breastfeed them now.”
Mother: “He was only fed an hour ago, I think it was that lotion…”
Tester: “Silence! Feed them, or suffer the consequences.”
[A bag rustles as the mother searches for powdered feed]
Tester: “Not that junk. Use your body.”
Mother: “I can’t. I tried… I couldn’t…”
Tester: “What kind of mother are you? Do it, or I alert the authorities.”
At that point the room’s covert recording equipment malfunctioned.
“What defines an animal is very broad,” said Dr Prudence Lau, a spokesperson for Unilever. “So technically, as man is an animal, we are allowed to test stuff on baby men, often known as infants, or cuties.”
When challenged Dr Lau resorted to the tried and tested deflection technique that cosmetic firms often use. “Petroleum companies put stuff in the air all the time and nobody says boo, or even come on, stop that nonsense.”
Nigeria: A world leading conference highlighted a growing problem among disreputable physicians that could lead to gross misconduct charges being filed – or in some cases, gross indecency.
Hidden camera footage presented by Medicin Sans Frontiers in Lagos showed that doctors are increasingly firing back the same questions at patients, with little regard for the quality of the queries.
“In one case we saw a patient ask, ‘How long have I left to live?’” said Dr Benji MacDonald from the secretive medical body. “And the doctor, pointing at the patient with a pen said, ‘How long do you think you have left to live?’ – which is not what they wanted to hear. They wanted to hear months minimum. Or enough time at least to climb Mt Kilimanjaro and raise money for something or other.”
The medical org has now created a 7-point communication plan to help new and recently dismissed physicians to respond to patients with more empathy – and avoid the prospect of cash or complicated favours exchanging hands.
The problem is wide-ranging, deep-seated and a tall order, and was highlighted when a journalist asked Dr MacDonald about the initiative: “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?” To which he replied, “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?”
USA: Scientists speculate that around 60% of us have body parts that sometimes talk to us, but Irritable Bowel Syndrome is next level – where the bowel not only converses incessantly with its host, but also speaks in a super-annoying, whiney voice.
“It’s not unlike a Jewish lady from Queens,” said Dr Ray Chabon, a prominent New York surgeon, who spoke in his capacity as a healthcare professional and also off the record as a civilian afflicted by IBS.
World Health Observatory says: It’s sometimes impossible to drown out internal monologues, but what can work is to amplify the offending voice by speaking their words aloud. On public transport the abuse from fellow passengers can quickly cause the internal voice to shrivel, and after many years of isolation, to fade completely or find another host.
Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.
Upcycling is when you move something from lower in the body to somewhere higher up, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. “We’ve found out about piss’s ability to regenerate hair growth quite by accident,” said Ben Iberico from adult nappy firm Tena, citing the scientific name for the outflows rather than the slang ‘urine’.
“One of our patients tossed their pee pants onto a hairless ferret they kept for emergencies. When they returned a week later they found the ferret had grown quite a mane, although it probably died from starvation or apathy rather than the effects of piss on its head.”
Tena now plans to establish a ‘wear and share’ scheme across the Iberian Peninsula. Baldies would be matched with wee leakers of a similar blood type, with robots made of a rust-free ceramic then tasked to deliver the pants from floating distribution centres.
“So co-workers don’t suspect anything we have used AI to devise special hats for patients to wear for the 12-week process,” said Iberico. “They’re not great to be honest – some of them have six fingers – but we are confident we can effectively leverage piss to help baldies become normal and that’s what matters.”
USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.
“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”
A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:
- “You are failing sleepily.”
- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”
- “Sleep fast and break things”
- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents”
Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.
Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.
For number crunchers, the exact figure agreed upon by mathematicians, cardiologists and proctologists at a conference organised by Fitbit owner Google in the Hague is 4,711 steps – but it comes with a warning. The scientists say that more than 50 steps either below or above that figure could have serious consequences for your health – and your very mind.
“We’ve all known that too many daily steps weakens the bones, and the strain of consistently putting one foot in front of the other probably damages arteries and our lungs, too,” said Dr Lance Vermeer from Fitbit. “Yet taking too few steps has also been proven to cause depression in mice and affect heart health in aphids – so there is a lot of pressure on communities to strike the right balance.”
Take the female (or male) community. Dr Vermeer said women (or men) should be especially careful about managing their steps. “If, say, a person ends up in a gentleman’s apartment, and only while mindlessly scrolling at dinner they discover that their charming host is actually a registered s** offender, then they have to make a tough decision.”
Vermeer paused to take a sip of water before continuing: “They’ve already taken around 4,700 steps and had only planned to take 7 or 8 more before the morning – what then? Running down the street screaming could cost them 100s of extra steps and cause crippling injuries later in life. Meanwhile, staying in the apartment and being compliant might result in the optimum number of steps but could cause crippling injuries of the mind within weeks or even months.”
USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.
“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.
The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”
Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).
India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.
Dr Derek Khan, an audiologist with Ahuja Radios in New Delhi said society may be doing irreparable damage to its blood pressure by encouraging us to keep the volume down. “We conducted a meta study featuring thousands of contestants,” he said. “Those who kept quiet when they were bumped in a line were much more likely to suffer high blood pressure. But those who shouted, ‘Hey man, watch it’ needed far less blood transfusions and were 3x more likely to attract a mate from the same queue.”
The study also put statistical facts on suspicions many of us suspect. “Shouting is not seen as being politically correct, but we have scientific proof, finally, that when drivers roared ‘dumb mot***fucker’ at fellow motorists or at street cleaners, this lowered blood pressure by 15-20%, at least until they got home.” The study also revealed that those who mumbled under their breath were six times more likely to die in a car accident, or alone, whichever came first.
“High blood pressure is a silent killer – what better way to combat that than by shouting it down, or ‘shouting a person down’. Shout them down across the world, why don’t you?”
Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.
“It’s just physics,” said Prof Roger Hammerstein from Philip Morris International in Lausanne, when asked about the downside of vaping. “With a touch of biology and chemistry. If you superheat a toxic mix of chemicals and inhale them, you’re asking for trouble.” (Pausing to exhale a plume of rancid smoke.) “And even if you are not specifically asking for trouble, that’s what you will get.”
In a four-hour presentation that was well received by company bosses and barely legal contractors, the professor expanded on the benefits of helping to steer the younger generation along the right path. “If children stop vaping and take up smoking cigarettes instead, they then magically act like adults and make a more valuable contribution to society – they dress older and become empowered to work, start families at a young age and pay rent in rundown areas, potentially rejuvenating communities.”
Hammerstein was dismissive of the hip image that vaping appears to cultivate among the youth. “Did you ever see Joe Biden vape? Or Keith Richards? Or Jeffrey Epstein?” he said, listing a who’s who of alleged cool dudes.
UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.
“Macrodosing is now the number one threat to supplies of everything,” said Dr Elliott Graves from the Dept of Health, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not just magic mushrooms and Mounjaro that are being hoovered up, it’s also the processed foods we all love, as increasingly the evidence shows these are good for you.”
Whereas middle-class mums may conventionally push a single pea around a plate – numbed by SSRIs or Prosecco – now they are wolfing down up to 70 or 80 in one setting. This could result in border control officers receiving even more bribes to ‘look the other way’ so farmers have enough manpower to meet a higher demand for crops grown in the ground – and those hovering mysteriously above it.
“Look, I’ve nothing against legal immigration, yeah,” said Councillor Will Tuckle from the happily multicultural Dover. “Fair enough, they come over here and pick the products we need to feed our families. But it’s taking the piss if they also want to consume these products. Leave some for us English, foreigners. And some for the Welsh too I suppose.”
Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.
Dancing: “Mostly confined to women and sensitive-looking men, while dancing burns almost 40 calories an hour, enthusiasts can make fools of themselves – and suffer the trauma that goes with that,” said Dr Jasper Tan, Netflix’s chief Asian medical officer. “Look closely and you’ll see that Madonna never danced, the Queen of England, the Dalai Lama’s wife – and these were all respected women behind some of the most powerful men in the world.”
Swimming: “Swimming is a great way to consume your daily liquid quota, but the fatality levels are quite astonishing. Around 18% (1 in 4) of regular sea swimmers will eventually drown, and while this is reduced to 3% for pool goers, it’s not nothing. It’s not even zero.”
Yoga: “This modern pursuit is widely mocked as stretching – for good reason: it’s mainly stretching. But mostly the only thing being stretched indefinitely are the bank balances of yoga teachers, while yoga devotees typically return to their original shape within a few minutes of a session ending.”
Horse riding: “You may as well be sitting at a desk all day for the amount of good horse riding does. At least get a wheelchair. You’ll be creating jobs and gain a lot more sympathy if you wheel into a bar or amusement arcade compared to trotting in on a filly after a hunt.”
Chess: “While rocking back and forth like a lemon can expend up to 350 calories an hour, the mental fragility caused by the no-contact sport forces many participants to lose vital sections of their mind. Chess is full of weirdos. While players are not allowed to look into the eyes of their opponent they do say things under their breath, and parade in a huff, which can be soul destroying – assuming they even have one.”
UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.
While the flu has been around since at least 6,000 BCE – pre-dating life itself according to leaders in Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party – in recent years many suspect it has been artificially supported. “Who benefits?” asked Britain’s Eamonn Holmes on his popular GB News trollcast. “Apart from the government the only ones making money from the flu are big pharma firms like GSK, Kenvue and Reckitt – and I’m willing to name names.”
“It’s unfortunate that flu keeps on coming back. It’s a complete mystery,” said Bill Mamet, Reckitt’s head of sales. “If only we could find a cure to banish flu once and for all, but that would probably cost thousands. Until then we’ll just have to protect people as best we can,” he said, rubbing his hands with glee.
Recently the common flu has faced competition from Covid, norovirus and avian flu – which is even worse as it is airborne. “Let’s take the same approach to these ailments as common flu and acute angina,” said Mamet in a hot mic incident at a recent sales conference in Barbados. “I said ‘angina’ you fucking muppet!”
Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.
“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”
Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.
Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.
Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”
Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.
An observer working for a competitor commented, “As the world’s largest maker of Viagra, all Pfizer knows is the penis. They are obsessed, but that fixation hasn’t helped their new product – only giving a bunch of people swollen ankles and a meaner outlook.”
The trials were conducted at a secret mountain location in the German Alps, with patients fed a diet of enhanced muesli and sausage. Half were given the weight loss drug while the remainder were force-fed a concoction by the alternative rock band Placebo.
“For sure, it hasn’t gone as well as we expected,” said Pfizer spokesman Hermann Koch [his actual name]. “But on the positive side, they have all lost some weight, just not where they expected. We’re working hard to replace any faulty parts.”
The company may have some way to go to convince dieters their manhood is safe, however. Historians recall that even Pfizer’s name is derived from the old Germanic name for todger: “Pisser,” said Professor Hans Fraukorp from the University of Berlin.
USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.
“Weight loss jabs are not for everyone, even when they come as candy coloured treats,” said Dr Dan Jildo from Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “So we have devised a new pill that reverses the impact of losing body mass – infused with an almost hypnotic buttery flavour.”
In partnership with the UK’s master baker Greggs, and in a desperate bid to diversify their portfolio, Dr Jildo and his team perfected the pill – which is around 120 times larger than a traditional tablet – after several murderers slipped through the bars in local correctional facilities, only to strike again. And this time they struck in a very mean-spirited way.
“While smaller adults bring many benefits to mankind, with cow meat going further in communities and more migrants fitting on boats, what’s wrong with embracing the good old days?” said Dr Jildo. “I remember a time when a cow would only feed two people and you only got four migrants in a dinghy rather than 63 – who in their right mind doesn’t want more of that?"
When asked about speculation that the pills are, in fact, only pies, Dr Jildo responded with “Umm yum yum yum” and other noises associated with snaffling down a mouth full of big pharma products.
Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.
Dr Dolores Sepp, a chiropractor with the Confido Clinic in Tartu, is leading the mostly legal experiments. “Let’s face it, not everyone can navigate the outer workings of a stream with confidence. Especially those who were previously known in a derogatory fashion as dwarves and midgets but who now prefer to be called Inuits.”
The solution, in case the penny hasn’t clicked yet, is for a backpain sufferer to gain relief by lying across a stream to stretch their spine. This also forms a handy bridge with their backs and leg limbs serving as a transport hub. “The patient can then use a special whistle that only short people can hear to summon them, while also saying ‘It’s okay, our back has got you’,” said Dr Sepp. “Instead of: ‘We’ve got your back,’ it’s the other way round. Which is genius.”
One downside is that because a person’s back is mostly positioned to the rear of their body, you can’t see who is coming. “Bad tall people could take the piss by using the human bridge when they could easily leap the stream in a single bound. That happened in early trials. Spines were snapped and some people were drenched, but we’re working hard to minimise these risks with a stricter sign-up policy based on how many squares have a car or stalker in their image.”