Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.

Upcycling is when you move something from lower in the body to somewhere higher up, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. “We’ve found out about piss’s ability to regenerate hair growth quite by accident,” said Ben Iberico from adult nappy firm Tena, citing the scientific name for the outflows rather than the slang ‘urine’.

“One of our patients tossed their pee pants onto a hairless ferret they kept for emergencies. When they returned a week later they found the ferret had grown quite a mane, although it probably died from starvation or apathy rather than the effects of piss on its head.”

Tena now plans to establish a ‘wear and share’ scheme across the Iberian Peninsula. Baldies would be matched with wee leakers of a similar blood type, with robots made of a rust-free ceramic then tasked to deliver the pants from floating distribution centres.

“So co-workers don’t suspect anything we have used AI to devise special hats for patients to wear for the 12-week process,” said Iberico. “They’re not great to be honest – some of them have six fingers – but we are confident we can effectively leverage piss to help baldies become normal and that’s what matters.”

USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.

“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”

A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:

- “You are failing sleepily.”

- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”

- “Sleep fast and break things”

- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents” 

Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.

Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
 

Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.

For number crunchers, the exact figure agreed upon by mathematicians, cardiologists and proctologists at a conference organised by Fitbit owner Google in the Hague is 4,711 steps – but it comes with a warning. The scientists say that more than 50 steps either below or above that figure could have serious consequences for your health – and your very mind.
 
“We’ve all known that too many daily steps weakens the bones, and the strain of consistently putting one foot in front of the other probably damages arteries and our lungs, too,” said Dr Lance Vermeer from Fitbit. “Yet taking too few steps has also been proven to cause depression in mice and affect heart health in aphids – so there is a lot of pressure on communities to strike the right balance.”

Take the female (or male) community. Dr Vermeer said women (or men) should be especially careful about managing their steps. “If, say, a person ends up in a gentleman’s apartment, and only while mindlessly scrolling at dinner they discover that their charming host is actually a registered s** offender, then they have to make a tough decision.”

Vermeer paused to take a sip of water before continuing: “They’ve already taken around 4,700 steps and had only planned to take 7 or 8 more before the morning – what then? Running down the street screaming could cost them 100s of extra steps and cause crippling injuries later in life. Meanwhile, staying in the apartment and being compliant might result in the optimum number of steps but could cause crippling injuries of the mind within weeks or even months.”
 

USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).
 

India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.

Dr Derek Khan, an audiologist with Ahuja Radios in New Delhi said society may be doing irreparable damage to its blood pressure by encouraging us to keep the volume down. “We conducted a meta study featuring thousands of contestants,” he said. “Those who kept quiet when they were bumped in a line were much more likely to suffer high blood pressure. But those who shouted, ‘Hey man, watch it’ needed far less blood transfusions and were 3x more likely to attract a mate from the same queue.”

The study also put statistical facts on suspicions many of us suspect. “Shouting is not seen as being politically correct, but we have scientific proof, finally, that when drivers roared ‘dumb mot***fucker’ at fellow motorists or at street cleaners, this lowered blood pressure by 15-20%, at least until they got home.” The study also revealed that those who mumbled under their breath were six times more likely to die in a car accident, or alone, whichever came first.

“High blood pressure is a silent killer – what better way to combat that than by shouting it down, or ‘shouting a person down’. Shout them down across the world, why don’t you?”
 

Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.

“It’s just physics,” said Prof Roger Hammerstein from Philip Morris International in Lausanne, when asked about the downside of vaping. “With a touch of biology and chemistry. If you superheat a toxic mix of chemicals and inhale them, you’re asking for trouble.” (Pausing to exhale a plume of rancid smoke.) “And even if you are not specifically asking for trouble, that’s what you will get.”

In a four-hour presentation that was well received by company bosses and barely legal contractors, the professor expanded on the benefits of helping to steer the younger generation along the right path. “If children stop vaping and take up smoking cigarettes instead, they then magically act like adults and make a more valuable contribution to society – they dress older and become empowered to work, start families at a young age and pay rent in rundown areas, potentially rejuvenating communities.”

Hammerstein was dismissive of the hip image that vaping appears to cultivate among the youth. “Did you ever see Joe Biden vape? Or Keith Richards? Or Jeffrey Epstein?” he said, listing a who’s who of alleged cool dudes.
 

UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.

“Macrodosing is now the number one threat to supplies of everything,” said Dr Elliott Graves from the Dept of Health, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not just magic mushrooms and Mounjaro that are being hoovered up, it’s also the processed foods we all love, as increasingly the evidence shows these are good for you.”

Whereas middle-class mums may conventionally push a single pea around a plate – numbed by SSRIs or Prosecco – now they are wolfing down up to 70 or 80 in one setting. This could result in border control officers receiving even more bribes to ‘look the other way’ so farmers have enough manpower to meet a higher demand for crops grown in the ground – and those hovering mysteriously above it.

“Look, I’ve nothing against legal immigration, yeah,” said Councillor Will Tuckle from the happily multicultural Dover. “Fair enough, they come over here and pick the products we need to feed our families. But it’s taking the piss if they also want to consume these products. Leave some for us English, foreigners. And some for the Welsh too I suppose.”
 

UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.

While the flu has been around since at least 6,000 BCE – pre-dating life itself according to leaders in Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party – in recent years many suspect it has been artificially supported. “Who benefits?” asked Britain’s Eamonn Holmes on his popular GB News trollcast. “Apart from the government the only ones making money from the flu are big pharma firms like GSK, Kenvue and Reckitt – and I’m willing to name names.”

“It’s unfortunate that flu keeps on coming back. It’s a complete mystery,” said Bill Mamet, Reckitt’s head of sales. “If only we could find a cure to banish flu once and for all, but that would probably cost thousands. Until then we’ll just have to protect people as best we can,” he said, rubbing his hands with glee.

Recently the common flu has faced competition from Covid, norovirus and avian flu – which is even worse as it is airborne. “Let’s take the same approach to these ailments as common flu and acute angina,” said Mamet in a hot mic incident at a recent sales conference in Barbados. “I said ‘angina’ you fucking muppet!”
 

Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.

Dancing: “Mostly confined to women and sensitive-looking men, while dancing burns almost 40 calories an hour, enthusiasts can make fools of themselves – and suffer the trauma that goes with that,” said Dr Jasper Tan, Netflix’s chief Asian medical officer. “Look closely and you’ll see that Madonna never danced, the Queen of England, the Dalai Lama’s wife – and these were all respected women behind some of the most powerful men in the world.”

Swimming: “Swimming is a great way to consume your daily liquid quota, but the fatality levels are quite astonishing. Around 18% (1 in 4) of regular sea swimmers will eventually drown, and while this is reduced to 3% for pool goers, it’s not nothing. It’s not even zero.”

Yoga: “This modern pursuit is widely mocked as stretching – for good reason: it’s mainly stretching. But mostly the only thing being stretched indefinitely are the bank balances of yoga teachers, while yoga devotees typically return to their original shape within a few minutes of a session ending.”

Horse riding: “You may as well be sitting at a desk all day for the amount of good horse riding does. At least get a wheelchair. You’ll be creating jobs and gain a lot more sympathy if you wheel into a bar or amusement arcade compared to trotting in on a filly after a hunt.”

Chess: “While rocking back and forth like a lemon can expend up to 350 calories an hour, the mental fragility caused by the no-contact sport forces many participants to lose vital sections of their mind. Chess is full of weirdos. While players are not allowed to look into the eyes of their opponent they do say things under their breath, and parade in a huff, which can be soul destroying – assuming they even have one.”

Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.

“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”

Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.

Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.

Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”

Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.

An observer working for a competitor commented, “As the world’s largest maker of Viagra, all Pfizer knows is the penis. They are obsessed, but that fixation hasn’t helped their new product – only giving a bunch of people swollen ankles and a meaner outlook.”

The trials were conducted at a secret mountain location in the German Alps, with patients fed a diet of enhanced muesli and sausage. Half were given the weight loss drug while the remainder were force-fed a concoction by the alternative rock band Placebo.

“For sure, it hasn’t gone as well as we expected,” said Pfizer spokesman Hermann Koch [his actual name]. “But on the positive side, they have all lost some weight, just not where they expected. We’re working hard to replace any faulty parts.”

The company may have some way to go to convince dieters their manhood is safe, however. Historians recall that even Pfizer’s name is derived from the old Germanic name for todger: “Pisser,” said Professor Hans Fraukorp from the University of Berlin.

USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.

“Weight loss jabs are not for everyone, even when they come as candy coloured treats,” said Dr Dan Jildo from Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “So we have devised a new pill that reverses the impact of losing body mass – infused with an almost hypnotic buttery flavour.”

In partnership with the UK’s master baker Greggs, and in a desperate bid to diversify their portfolio, Dr Jildo and his team perfected the pill – which is around 120 times larger than a traditional tablet – after several murderers slipped through the bars in local correctional facilities, only to strike again. And this time they struck in a very mean-spirited way.

“While smaller adults bring many benefits to mankind, with cow meat going further in communities and more migrants fitting on boats, what’s wrong with embracing the good old days?” said Dr Jildo. “I remember a time when a cow would only feed two people and you only got four migrants in a dinghy rather than 63 – who in their right mind doesn’t want more of that?"

When asked about speculation that the pills are, in fact, only pies, Dr Jildo responded with “Umm yum yum yum” and other noises associated with snaffling down a mouth full of big pharma products.

Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.

Dr Dolores Sepp, a chiropractor with the Confido Clinic in Tartu, is leading the mostly legal experiments. “Let’s face it, not everyone can navigate the outer workings of a stream with confidence. Especially those who were previously known in a derogatory fashion as dwarves and midgets but who now prefer to be called Inuits.”

The solution, in case the penny hasn’t clicked yet, is for a backpain sufferer to gain relief by lying across a stream to stretch their spine. This also forms a handy bridge with their backs and leg limbs serving as a transport hub. “The patient can then use a special whistle that only short people can hear to summon them, while also saying ‘It’s okay, our back has got you’,” said Dr Sepp. “Instead of: ‘We’ve got your back,’ it’s the other way round. Which is genius.”

One downside is that because a person’s back is mostly positioned to the rear of their body, you can’t see who is coming. “Bad tall people could take the piss by using the human bridge when they could easily leap the stream in a single bound. That happened in early trials. Spines were snapped and some people were drenched, but we’re working hard to minimise these risks with a stricter sign-up policy based on how many squares have a car or stalker in their image.”