Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.
Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.
Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.
Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.
Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.
Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.
France: Health and fashion professionals are warming to the idea that pressure on the neck can be used to manage dementia – a mind-numbingly boring disease that eats away the thinking process very close by in the head.
Dr Dolores Mendes, Bogota
Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.
USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.
UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.
UK: Children as young as eight are sharing unflattering and sometimes downright seedy imagery of old folk on Insta and TikTok – causing many seniors to be as unsteady in their mind as they are on their two good legs.
Sweden: A daily walk sounds ideal, but could do more harm than good – with frequent strolls causing a ‘mind darkening’ effect for those who travel on foot to work and those hanging around on corners with the mass unemployed.
India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.
Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.
Gary Nguyen, Hanoi
UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.
Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.
China: An opportunistic magpie has flown away with the cure for H5N5 avian flu from a research lab in Wuhan – causing other ground floor labs in the region to step up security and close all windows for starters.
USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.
Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.
