USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.

“Many mums are looking for excuses to put down their doom-phones for 5 minutes – and a smaller baby could be the solution,” said Dr Dan Jildo a spokesperson for Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “Imagine being able to enjoy a product that matches the weight profile and footprint of many larger Samsung or Huawei models.”

“It doesn’t have to be Jesus, you can choose from literally hundreds of names, from Andrew to Zoltan – it doesn’t have to be any Tom, Dick or Harry,” said Bishop Mikey Giovanni, a Vatican spokesman. ”Although we would discourage Dick for historical reasons. And Harry is kind of tainted… ah, Andrew isn’t great either… actually, you can see why Mohammed is the world’s most popular name right now.”

While there are some concerns about testing procedures with Lilly’s miracle solution, phone makers are sceptical that even smaller newborns can maintain the interest of committed phone users. “Most babies are fairly low resolution,” said Derek Park from Samsung. 

“And have you ever tried scrolling on one? Let’s just say it’s frowned upon. But phones are made for mindless scrolling whereas most babies are just mindless – ho ho ho!”
 

China: In a sign of increasing transparency from the Wuhan Institute of Virology it has said that earlier versions of Covid were ‘not up to scratch’ – and it was also leaked that version 20.0 could be something that brings ‘the West to its knees for real’.

“Science is not an exact science,” said Barry Li, the institute’s director. “After many sketchy versions it was only Covid 19 where we thought, by golly this could really do something. Little did we know it would be adopted by so many governments worldwide to control their populations.” 

Yet an internal Teams chat posted on Discord has revealed that the institute’s plans for Covid are ongoing.

BL: Where are we with Covid 20? 
HC: Getting there big guy… should be ready any day now
BL: Don’t take that tone with me Harry – you must work faster
HC: Sorry boss
BL: How is its efficacy?
HC: Its the fucking bomb!
BL: What? Speak English you fool. Or Mandarin
HC: Soz I mean its very special indeed. Highly infectious. Will bring the West to its knees for real
BL: Okay quit fooling around. I want Covid 20 on my desk first thing Monday

When an undercover reporter approached the institute about the leak, Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “You’ve seen 3 Body Problem, right? We don’t give a monkey fuck about the West. And fuck tariffs. This time you have pushed us too far – and we’re not even working on a vaccine to inject in your sorry Western asses.”
 

Portugal: Scientists have found that encouraging healthy bacteria in our gut is a surefire way to end our lives in severe discomfort and cast out from wider society – whichever is worse.

“Most of the good/bad bacteria debate is poor science,” said Dr Todd Baranda, lead disinfectant evangelist at Reckitt Benckiser in Lisbon. “Much like humans in small towns, all bacteria are related. At the microscopic level there is no difference between bacteria that cause plague and those that infuse your yogurt. Even if you add heaps of sugar and preservatives, eating plague or kefir is clearly not good for you.” 

Two key reasons explain why bacteria have become so popular: an epidemic of ‘clean eating’ (commonly known as ‘dirty’) and a mis-translation from the 1970s – which Dr Baranda was happy to talk about off the record. 

“Hippies in Berlin were getting high and eating snacks on an Iranian carpet when a German stoner passed some yogurt to an American tourist. Seeing she liked it, he said: ‘It’s gut, ya?’ Now ‘gut’ in German is translated in the West as ‘good’ but the US citizen, who later worked for Big Pharma, was convinced he was talking about her gut. 

“She persuaded her employers to pump billions of dollars into the marketing of gut-friendly bacteria, and other related terms that sprang from nowhere, like yoga. We all know bacteria can’t even be seen, never mind heard – so you’re telling me something invisible can boost your immune system? It’s just another woke con.”
 

United Arab Emirates: Medical researchers at cluster bomb revivalist BAE Systems have found that extending wars could help men feel better about their mental health – and curiously, work wonders for Western population growth.

“When civilian males pick a side in a televised battle, whether it is a hateful Iranian regime or a despicable Israeli administration, it can make them feel secure and seen, even as they rattle off spurious facts and biased statistics to support their beliefs,” said Major Dr Frank Oddman at BAE in UAE.  “Yet women can find their ill-informed rants attractive – especially females with a low social standing.”

Oddman and a reproductive healthcare representative from the House of Lords are on another vaunted UK ‘growth’ mission to increase the West’s population and has called for both sides in conflicts to consider prolonging their skirmishes. 

“Even when a battle is extended by 10% – say where a 12-day war is increased to 15 days – the number of inane statements that males utter each evening after work soars. This makes them feel engendered, but also makes their partners [which can be female or male] surprisingly compliant.”

Major Oddman is also summoning an army of bots to help extend conflicts in dubious regions that are “out of sync” with Western values. 

“We’ve found that using AI can prompt thin-skinned despots to reciprocate harshly if they are told they are not funny or are quite short with spindly arms. This makes them want to fight for longer and kill more people – which is ironically really good for population growth in places such as the United Kingdom. Excluding Northern Ireland, which has more than enough challenges already.”
 

Mexico: A leading impartial health adviser has issued an alert to highlight the propaganda surrounding flu jabs – from a 5-star resort in Cancun.

Dr Raymond Silva, not authorised to speak on behalf of his covert funder Reckitt Benckiser (who make cold and flu medication), said: “Science can’t yet tell us who has used these needles before. But what we know for sure is that products to treat flu come in a range of flavours and price points.”

Dr Silva has kindly let us use four of his top 17 reasons not to get jabbed this winter:  

- We don’t know where needles have been. So particles from addicts could pass on avian flu, or even worse, the new, improved version of Mpox – Time magazine’s ‘Disease of the Year’.

- It hurts. Don’t let anybody kid you. REM’s song Everybody Hurts was famously written during winter flu season – and suggests Michael Stipe’s empathy is way above nurses and better trained practitioners.

- Reduces resistance to avian flu. Avian flu is worse than normal flu, and as the name suggests, it’s also airborne. So while you may be able to outrun it for a while you can’t hide – even if you live in a tower block (because it’s airborne).

- Somebody else benefits – and it’s not you. Getting any vaccine is a sign of weakness and women (and some men) want to be protected. Is it suspicious that the same firms – Sanofi, Astra Zeneca, GSK – make the flu jabs every year? And that they also rub both hands with glee when a ‘flu-nami’ or ‘Superflu’ is all over the media? Ka-ching! 
 

Jamaica: Athlete’s foot mainly affects experienced runners who cultivate a tendency to strike the ground with one foot much more frequently than the other – such as two impacts with the right foot for every left foot contact on a 5km run. 

This can cause one foot to over-develop, often becoming two or three sizes larger than the underused foot and causing consternation among race officials and puzzling looks from fellow competitors.

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World Health Observatory says: As beneficial as it is to mix up your exercises, just try and run like an adult or legal guardian. There’s a reason Usain Bolt was so successful – he would take turns with his feet hitting the ground, almost without fail. 

Except towards the end when he was losing to junkies and children, because he was also beset by the affliction. Run normally!