Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
Health news they don't want you to know
US Virgin Islands: Deregulated prince and masseuse victim Andrew has launched a new fitness video with fancy moves honed over decades – and comes with a no-sweat and no money back guarantee.
Chubby chaps of furtive comport and chunky chumps of crafted repute may feel better in 2026 – and enjoy privileged access to a reverse-age dating process. Andrew’s new wellful brand ‘Wander’ has released an app and a video of highly choreographed exercises which Men’s Health said “pushes credibility to the very limit”.
“Let’s be clear,” said Amelia Hoppity-Chuff, a spokesgirl for Andrew. “Emotions aside, this is not about intensity. The video will teach you to use your body safely – in a gated community, castle, private island, or even a penthouse apartment with up to 12 other men.”
While Wander is chiefly aimed at scuzzy tech bros, floundering celebs and all politicians – and those in their leering orbit – it works best in conjunction with junior members of society. “Feeling younger is not about less calories, it’s about more connections, about the bond between older and nubile folk, and about shared lived experiences – through Telegram or the platform of their choice,” said Hoppity-Chuff.
While the fitness video was Andrew’s priority the Wander app was birthed by the branding supremos that nurtured Andrew’s younger brother Harry and his sister Meghan to full financial health. Yet not everyone is convinced of the overall authenticity of the programme.
“First there was the malarkey over Wild Breathing,” said voice-of-the-people and opportunistic chef Jamie Oliver. “Now there is Andrew’s Slow Sleeping and Quiet Shouting – I just feel the public want something more real. Although having a barely legal companion under your arm is a tangible outcome, I suppose. Just ask Stephen Fry.”
While Andrew admitted that app users could lose up to 300 calories when chased by angry parents, he refused to comment on long-term weight loss figures or networking gains. “Well gosh, it’s not about the numbers you silly billy, as long as everyone is having, how shall I phrase this… inappropriate fun.”
Kenya: For generations the general medical advice issued in 24-hour saunas has been to deprive fevers of food – but now that may be changing thanks to a shadowy industry body emerging from under its own shadow.
“Feed a cold? That’s bullcrap,” said Murt Buston from the World Fever Federation (WFF) in Nairobi. “It’s shoddy science the World Cold Congress [WCC] has spouted for years. Feeding a cold is one of two proven ways to encourage Mpox – and I think we all know what the other one is.”
Buston and his secretive colleagues represent a variety of fevers including scarlet, Lassa and typhoid – and for years have battled to raise their profile, hindered perhaps by the organisation’s lack of medical professionals. The WCC, on the other hand, nimbly represents just one client: the redoubtable cold.
“It’s true our client has been remarkably well fed for several decades,” said WCC founder Dr Paige Ayoade. “But that’s because colds need nutrients. As for fevers, I don’t even know what they want – leftovers from food banks maybe?” she said, deftly sassing the competition.
“Suggesting fevers should consume second-hand food is such a typical WCC dic* move,” said Buston. “Understandably the WCC wants to keep fevers starved and weak so it can access public health funds. But I ask you today in good faith: would you as gladly starve a four-legged child? Thought not.”
However, things might be looking up for the WFF thanks to their upcoming cover story in the Journal of Infectious Diseases. “We’re also in the centre page spread, so let’s see who gets fed – and who chokes on their own pen…” he said trailing off distractedly.
Italy: Since the early 21st century scientists have suspected that larger bodies such as the sun could exert a gravitational pull on smaller objects such as planets – an intuition now giving hope to the lonely in society who may also wish to attract others into their orbit.
Dating experts from Amazon Prime in Rome have released statistics that could topple the exercising debate regarding sex**l relationships. “It’s simple physics,” said Dr Moira Mondani. “The bigger you are the more likely you will pull someone towards you, so obviously if you are exercising regularly you will get smaller, and have less of an attractive force.”
The studies found that for every kilo a person added, their attractive force increased by 12 newtons per metre squared, a measure of gravity’s theoretical force. “When a much larger person leans into a skinny person, you would expect the smaller body to be repulsed, but this is not always the case.”
This has usually nothing to do with coercion, Mondani cautioned, but she also warned against giving up exercise completely if you want to nab a compliant partner.
“Obviously when you chew food you are exercising muscles in your gums and tongue so we wouldn’t recommend cutting back on that. A good content provider can provide invaluable tips on how to eat consciously – say, through documentaries on Anthony Bourdain or El Bulli. The best thing is, you and your partner can enjoy a feast of such romance-enhancing programming without having to leave the sofa – except when the pizza delivery arrives, of course!”
USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.
“Many mums are looking for excuses to put down their doom-phones for 5 minutes – and a smaller baby could be the solution,” said Dr Dan Jildo a spokesperson for Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “Imagine being able to enjoy a product that matches the weight profile and footprint of many larger Samsung or Huawei models.”
“It doesn’t have to be Jesus, you can choose from literally hundreds of names, from Andrew to Zoltan – it doesn’t have to be any Tom, Dick or Harry,” said Bishop Mikey Giovanni, a Vatican spokesman. ”Although we would discourage Dick for historical reasons. And Harry is kind of tainted… ah, Andrew isn’t great either… actually, you can see why Mohammed is the world’s most popular name right now.”
While there are some concerns about testing procedures with Lilly’s miracle solution, phone makers are sceptical that even smaller newborns can maintain the interest of committed phone users. “Most babies are fairly low resolution,” said Derek Park from Samsung.
“And have you ever tried scrolling on one? Let’s just say it’s frowned upon. But phones are made for mindless scrolling whereas most babies are just mindless – ho ho ho!”
China: In a sign of increasing transparency from the Wuhan Institute of Virology it has said that earlier versions of Covid were ‘not up to scratch’ – and it was also leaked that version 20.0 could be something that brings ‘the West to its knees for real’.
“Science is not an exact science,” said Barry Li, the institute’s director. “After many sketchy versions it was only Covid 19 where we thought, by golly this could really do something. Little did we know it would be adopted by so many governments worldwide to control their populations.”
Yet an internal Teams chat posted on Discord has revealed that the institute’s plans for Covid are ongoing.
BL: Where are we with Covid 20?
HC: Getting there big guy… should be ready any day now
BL: Don’t take that tone with me Harry – you must work faster
HC: Sorry boss
BL: How is its efficacy?
HC: Its the fucking bomb!
BL: What? Speak English you fool. Or Mandarin
HC: Soz I mean its very special indeed. Highly infectious. Will bring the West to its knees for real
BL: Okay quit fooling around. I want Covid 20 on my desk first thing Monday
When an undercover reporter approached the institute about the leak, Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “You’ve seen 3 Body Problem, right? We don’t give a monkey fuck about the West. And fuck tariffs. This time you have pushed us too far – and we’re not even working on a vaccine to inject in your sorry Western asses.”
Portugal: Scientists have found that encouraging healthy bacteria in our gut is a surefire way to end our lives in severe discomfort and cast out from wider society – whichever is worse.
“Most of the good/bad bacteria debate is poor science,” said Dr Todd Baranda, lead disinfectant evangelist at Reckitt Benckiser in Lisbon. “Much like humans in small towns, all bacteria are related. At the microscopic level there is no difference between bacteria that cause plague and those that infuse your yogurt. Even if you add heaps of sugar and preservatives, eating plague or kefir is clearly not good for you.”
Two key reasons explain why bacteria have become so popular: an epidemic of ‘clean eating’ (commonly known as ‘dirty’) and a mis-translation from the 1970s – which Dr Baranda was happy to talk about off the record.
“Hippies in Berlin were getting high and eating snacks on an Iranian carpet when a German stoner passed some yogurt to an American tourist. Seeing she liked it, he said: ‘It’s gut, ya?’ Now ‘gut’ in German is translated in the West as ‘good’ but the US citizen, who later worked for Big Pharma, was convinced he was talking about her gut.
“She persuaded her employers to pump billions of dollars into the marketing of gut-friendly bacteria, and other related terms that sprang from nowhere, like yoga. We all know bacteria can’t even be seen, never mind heard – so you’re telling me something invisible can boost your immune system? It’s just another woke con.”