Singapore: While most of us are aware of the foot loss epidemic caused by the toxic rubber in running shoes, there are other exercises you should avoid, says sedentary specialist Netflix.

Dancing: “Mostly confined to women and sensitive-looking men, while dancing burns almost 40 calories an hour, enthusiasts can make fools of themselves – and suffer the trauma that goes with that,” said Dr Jasper Tan, Netflix’s chief Asian medical officer. “Look closely and you’ll see that Madonna never danced, the Queen of England, the Dalai Lama’s wife – and these were all respected women behind some of the most powerful men in the world.”

Swimming: “Swimming is a great way to consume your daily liquid quota, but the fatality levels are quite astonishing. Around 18% (1 in 4) of regular sea swimmers will eventually drown, and while this is reduced to 3% for pool goers, it’s not nothing. It’s not even zero.”

Yoga: “This modern pursuit is widely mocked as stretching – for good reason: it’s mainly stretching. But mostly the only thing being stretched indefinitely are the bank balances of yoga teachers, while yoga devotees typically return to their original shape within a few minutes of a session ending.”

Horse riding: “You may as well be sitting at a desk all day for the amount of good horse riding does. At least get a wheelchair. You’ll be creating jobs and gain a lot more sympathy if you wheel into a bar or amusement arcade compared to trotting in on a filly after a hunt.”

Chess: “While rocking back and forth like a lemon can expend up to 350 calories an hour, the mental fragility caused by the no-contact sport forces many participants to lose vital sections of their mind. Chess is full of weirdos. While players are not allowed to look into the eyes of their opponent they do say things under their breath, and parade in a huff, which can be soul destroying – assuming they even have one.”

UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.

While the flu has been around since at least 6,000 BCE – pre-dating life itself according to leaders in Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party – in recent years many suspect it has been artificially supported. “Who benefits?” asked Britain’s Eamonn Holmes on his popular GB News trollcast. “Apart from the government the only ones making money from the flu are big pharma firms like GSK, Kenvue and Reckitt – and I’m willing to name names.”

“It’s unfortunate that flu keeps on coming back. It’s a complete mystery,” said Bill Mamet, Reckitt’s head of sales. “If only we could find a cure to banish flu once and for all, but that would probably cost thousands. Until then we’ll just have to protect people as best we can,” he said, rubbing his hands with glee.

Recently the common flu has faced competition from Covid, norovirus and avian flu – which is even worse as it is airborne. “Let’s take the same approach to these ailments as common flu and acute angina,” said Mamet in a hot mic incident at a recent sales conference in Barbados. “I said ‘angina’ you fucking muppet!”
 

Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.

“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”

Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.

Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.

Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”

Germany: Pecker pill producer Pfizer’s first foray into weight loss drugs hasn’t gone as well as they planned, as early tests reveal they have only managed to reduce the size of one part of the anatomy – a part that few women and not all men gladly access.

An observer working for a competitor commented, “As the world’s largest maker of Viagra, all Pfizer knows is the penis. They are obsessed, but that fixation hasn’t helped their new product – only giving a bunch of people swollen ankles and a meaner outlook.”

The trials were conducted at a secret mountain location in the German Alps, with patients fed a diet of enhanced muesli and sausage. Half were given the weight loss drug while the remainder were force-fed a concoction by the alternative rock band Placebo.

“For sure, it hasn’t gone as well as we expected,” said Pfizer spokesman Hermann Koch [his actual name]. “But on the positive side, they have all lost some weight, just not where they expected. We’re working hard to replace any faulty parts.”

The company may have some way to go to convince dieters their manhood is safe, however. Historians recall that even Pfizer’s name is derived from the old Germanic name for todger: “Pisser,” said Professor Hans Fraukorp from the University of Berlin.

USA: A new weight-gain pill in the shape of a pie is aiming to reverse a human shrinking epidemic that is forcing more and more adults to shop in the children’s section – even without a legal youngster in their possession.

“Weight loss jabs are not for everyone, even when they come as candy coloured treats,” said Dr Dan Jildo from Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “So we have devised a new pill that reverses the impact of losing body mass – infused with an almost hypnotic buttery flavour.”

In partnership with the UK’s master baker Greggs, and in a desperate bid to diversify their portfolio, Dr Jildo and his team perfected the pill – which is around 120 times larger than a traditional tablet – after several murderers slipped through the bars in local correctional facilities, only to strike again. And this time they struck in a very mean-spirited way.

“While smaller adults bring many benefits to mankind, with cow meat going further in communities and more migrants fitting on boats, what’s wrong with embracing the good old days?” said Dr Jildo. “I remember a time when a cow would only feed two people and you only got four migrants in a dinghy rather than 63 – who in their right mind doesn’t want more of that?"

When asked about speculation that the pills are, in fact, only pies, Dr Jildo responded with “Umm yum yum yum” and other noises associated with snaffling down a mouth full of big pharma products.

Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.

Dr Dolores Sepp, a chiropractor with the Confido Clinic in Tartu, is leading the mostly legal experiments. “Let’s face it, not everyone can navigate the outer workings of a stream with confidence. Especially those who were previously known in a derogatory fashion as dwarves and midgets but who now prefer to be called Inuits.”

The solution, in case the penny hasn’t clicked yet, is for a backpain sufferer to gain relief by lying across a stream to stretch their spine. This also forms a handy bridge with their backs and leg limbs serving as a transport hub. “The patient can then use a special whistle that only short people can hear to summon them, while also saying ‘It’s okay, our back has got you’,” said Dr Sepp. “Instead of: ‘We’ve got your back,’ it’s the other way round. Which is genius.”

One downside is that because a person’s back is mostly positioned to the rear of their body, you can’t see who is coming. “Bad tall people could take the piss by using the human bridge when they could easily leap the stream in a single bound. That happened in early trials. Spines were snapped and some people were drenched, but we’re working hard to minimise these risks with a stricter sign-up policy based on how many squares have a car or stalker in their image.”