United Arab Emirates: Medical researchers at cluster bomb revivalist BAE Systems have found that extending wars could help men feel better about their mental health – and curiously, work wonders for Western population growth.

“When civilian males pick a side in a televised battle, whether it is a hateful Iranian regime or a despicable Israeli administration, it can make them feel secure and seen, even as they rattle off spurious facts and biased statistics to support their beliefs,” said Major Dr Frank Oddman at BAE in UAE.  “Yet women can find their ill-informed rants attractive – especially females with a low social standing.”

Oddman and a reproductive healthcare representative from the House of Lords are on another vaunted UK ‘growth’ mission to increase the West’s population and has called for both sides in conflicts to consider prolonging their skirmishes. 

“Even when a battle is extended by 10% – say where a 12-day war is increased to 15 days – the number of inane statements that males utter each evening after work soars. This makes them feel engendered, but also makes their partners [which can be female or male] surprisingly compliant.”

Major Oddman is also summoning an army of bots to help extend conflicts in dubious regions that are “out of sync” with Western values. 

“We’ve found that using AI can prompt thin-skinned despots to reciprocate harshly if they are told they are not funny or are quite short with spindly arms. This makes them want to fight for longer and kill more people – which is ironically really good for population growth in places such as the United Kingdom. Excluding Northern Ireland, which has more than enough challenges already.”
 

Mexico: A leading impartial health adviser has issued an alert to highlight the propaganda surrounding flu jabs – from a 5-star resort in Cancun.

Dr Raymond Silva, not authorised to speak on behalf of his covert funder Reckitt Benckiser (who make cold and flu medication), said: “Science can’t yet tell us who has used these needles before. But what we know for sure is that products to treat flu come in a range of flavours and price points.”

Dr Silva has kindly let us use four of his top 17 reasons not to get jabbed this winter:  

- We don’t know where needles have been. So particles from addicts could pass on avian flu, or even worse, the new, improved version of Mpox – Time magazine’s ‘Disease of the Year’.

- It hurts. Don’t let anybody kid you. REM’s song Everybody Hurts was famously written during winter flu season – and suggests Michael Stipe’s empathy is way above nurses and better trained practitioners.

- Reduces resistance to avian flu. Avian flu is worse than normal flu, and as the name suggests, it’s also airborne. So while you may be able to outrun it for a while you can’t hide – even if you live in a tower block (because it’s airborne).

- Somebody else benefits – and it’s not you. Getting any vaccine is a sign of weakness and women (and some men) want to be protected. Is it suspicious that the same firms – Sanofi, Astra Zeneca, GSK – make the flu jabs every year? And that they also rub both hands with glee when a ‘flu-nami’ or ‘Superflu’ is all over the media? Ka-ching! 
 

Jamaica: Athlete’s foot mainly affects experienced runners who cultivate a tendency to strike the ground with one foot much more frequently than the other – such as two impacts with the right foot for every left foot contact on a 5km run. 

This can cause one foot to over-develop, often becoming two or three sizes larger than the underused foot and causing consternation among race officials and puzzling looks from fellow competitors.

.....

World Health Observatory says: As beneficial as it is to mix up your exercises, just try and run like an adult or legal guardian. There’s a reason Usain Bolt was so successful – he would take turns with his feet hitting the ground, almost without fail. 

Except towards the end when he was losing to junkies and children, because he was also beset by the affliction. Run normally!

UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.

“It’s really sad it’s come to this,” said BMA chair Dr Jack Fletcher cheerily. “But the slow movement is super cool right now. Slow eating, slow watching, slow prowling – slow medicine could move the dial in negotiations. Not in a hurry, of course.”

Dr Fletcher kind of welcomed the “mixed bag” that politician and podcaster Wes Streeting offered as he asserts his male toxicity ahead of an expected leadership battle next year. 
 
“While it’s not like the bags they get at the Oscar's, there are still some goodies: a stethoscope, scalpel, tape, string and a mask. I can imagine a use for most of those things when at work – or even when I’m driving around in my Land Rover.”

The public, however, are usually on foot and are much more susceptible to the latest flu virus – made even more annoying this year as it is airborne. They are also not keen on the prospect of an even slower NHS. “So go slow means six hours for doctors to get to work, two hours to go from one bed to another like giant whitecoat encrusted snails, and having their finger up your bum for 90 minutes – is this progress?” said one.

Not all members of the BMA are enamoured by the offer on the table. “They’re trying to buy us off, but they haven’t factored in inflation. If we allow for that, they must surely include a video camera or some kind of recording device,” said a junior doctor (17). 

“I recognise a rape kit when I see one,” said another, suspiciously.
 

UK: With the so-called ‘Stakeknife’ review reaching its shambolic conclusion, the UK government has instead released the health concerns of terrorists – many which reflect the fears of everyday folk who don’t maim civilians or throw paint on things.

“We decided to focus on international organisations to add a bit of joie de vivre to the findings,” said Lord Sir Grant DeFrancais from MI5. 

“Homegrown terrorists are often dull and insulated. But insert luxury travel, having lovers and pets in many countries, bras with machine guns and being able to summon Buddha or Hey Zeus in multiple languages – this brings some excitement to the survey. Which we obviously want to package and sell to a wide variety of media outlets.”

For those paying attention to the headline, the top health concerns include: 

• Fear of another terror group’s attack: “You could be just walking down the street and some prick from Tamil Tigers could let off an IED or jump out from behind a bush and frighten the life out of you.” – Nu IRA.

• Insufficient health insurance: “Lose a leg or eyeball in an American outrage? Don’t even think about getting fixed without cash or Ether. Death to America!” – ISIS.

• No duvet for a mental health day: “Often in the jungle you just want to stay in bed and watch ‘Saltburn’. But the lack of duvets causes great anxiety.” – FARC.

• Travel stress: “The amount of times I’ve missed a plane connection which has sent my heart rate over 180 is quite high. Let me tell you it is numerous.” – Italian Red Brigade.

• Planning anxiety: “It’s hard to manage your stress when you go into a paint store and they have the wrong shade of red.” – Palestine Action.

Brazil: Eating more processed food could help you better control your weight, free up more time to spend with family and help people to put the challenges at our borders into perspective. 

“Part of the problem is that people don’t understand how food is put together,” says Joao Carapas a nutritionist at Nestle in Sao Paolo. “You can’t just pull an egg from the ground or spinach from a tree or beef off a cow – you have to kill the cow first, remembering to squeeze out the last drops of milk. You ever kill a cow? It’s traumatic – but that’s processing, my friend. Essential.”

Having more clarity over how much we are eating is driving the unprocessed foods backlash. “There is no information on the side of a piece of kale, or a brown rice, or a legume. With processed foods the numbers are transparently on the packaging. What have melons got to hide? That’s what I want to know.”
 
While many consumers lament having to take a DIY approach and processing unprocessed food themselves, Carapas admits that much of the debate comes down to language – or the lack of it. “We process emotions, we process victories and defeats, we process immigrants – so what’s wrong with processing foods?”

“After all, we could argue that processing food is more important than processing immigrants, no? Food puts food on our plates – while immigrants, not in all cases I must stress, take it away.”