UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.

“It’s really sad it’s come to this,” said BMA chair Dr Jack Fletcher cheerily. “But the slow movement is super cool right now. Slow eating, slow watching, slow prowling – slow medicine could move the dial in negotiations. Not in a hurry, of course.”

Dr Fletcher kind of welcomed the “mixed bag” that politician and podcaster Wes Streeting offered as he asserts his male toxicity ahead of an expected leadership battle next year. 
 
“While it’s not like the bags they get at the Oscar's, there are still some goodies: a stethoscope, scalpel, tape, string and a mask. I can imagine a use for most of those things when at work – or even when I’m driving around in my Land Rover.”

The public, however, are usually on foot and are much more susceptible to the latest flu virus – made even more annoying this year as it is airborne. They are also not keen on the prospect of an even slower NHS. “So go slow means six hours for doctors to get to work, two hours to go from one bed to another like giant whitecoat encrusted snails, and having their finger up your bum for 90 minutes – is this progress?” said one.

Not all members of the BMA are enamoured by the offer on the table. “They’re trying to buy us off, but they haven’t factored in inflation. If we allow for that, they must surely include a video camera or some kind of recording device,” said a junior doctor (17). 

“I recognise a rape kit when I see one,” said another, suspiciously.
 

UK: With the so-called ‘Stakeknife’ review reaching its shambolic conclusion, the UK government has instead released the health concerns of terrorists – many which reflect the fears of everyday folk who don’t maim civilians or throw paint on things.

“We decided to focus on international organisations to add a bit of joie de vivre to the findings,” said Lord Sir Grant DeFrancais from MI5. 

“Homegrown terrorists are often dull and insulated. But insert luxury travel, having lovers and pets in many countries, bras with machine guns and being able to summon Buddha or Hey Zeus in multiple languages – this brings some excitement to the survey. Which we obviously want to package and sell to a wide variety of media outlets.”

For those paying attention to the headline, the top health concerns include: 

• Fear of another terror group’s attack: “You could be just walking down the street and some prick from Tamil Tigers could let off an IED or jump out from behind a bush and frighten the life out of you.” – Nu IRA.

• Insufficient health insurance: “Lose a leg or eyeball in an American outrage? Don’t even think about getting fixed without cash or Ether. Death to America!” – ISIS.

• No duvet for a mental health day: “Often in the jungle you just want to stay in bed and watch ‘Saltburn’. But the lack of duvets causes great anxiety.” – FARC.

• Travel stress: “The amount of times I’ve missed a plane connection which has sent my heart rate over 180 is quite high. Let me tell you it is numerous.” – Italian Red Brigade.

• Planning anxiety: “It’s hard to manage your stress when you go into a paint store and they have the wrong shade of red.” – Palestine Action.

Brazil: Eating more processed food could help you better control your weight, free up more time to spend with family and help people to put the challenges at our borders into perspective. 

“Part of the problem is that people don’t understand how food is put together,” says Joao Carapas a nutritionist at Nestle in Sao Paolo. “You can’t just pull an egg from the ground or spinach from a tree or beef off a cow – you have to kill the cow first, remembering to squeeze out the last drops of milk. You ever kill a cow? It’s traumatic – but that’s processing, my friend. Essential.”

Having more clarity over how much we are eating is driving the unprocessed foods backlash. “There is no information on the side of a piece of kale, or a brown rice, or a legume. With processed foods the numbers are transparently on the packaging. What have melons got to hide? That’s what I want to know.”
 
While many consumers lament having to take a DIY approach and processing unprocessed food themselves, Carapas admits that much of the debate comes down to language – or the lack of it. “We process emotions, we process victories and defeats, we process immigrants – so what’s wrong with processing foods?”

“After all, we could argue that processing food is more important than processing immigrants, no? Food puts food on our plates – while immigrants, not in all cases I must stress, take it away.”
 

Yugoslavia: At first glance catching a poxy disease may seem like a one-way ticket to death’s door – but now there may be something on this side of the door which is both attractive and life enhancing.

Time Magazine’s disease of the year, Mpox, is a recent name-change for an illness that overly and meanly targeted the LGBTQAI community – but could now help lonely hearts at the less colourful end of the spectrum to meet people, too.

“Being infected by a relationship is all about exposure,” said Dr Helen Dragovic, a psychologist and director of accelerated churn at dating simulator Hinge in Belgrade. “And where better to get that exposure than at a hospital or in a controlled medical facility?”

Research by Dr Dragovic and her team discovered that most hospitals have a ready supply of specialists who both help patients to recover from Mpox, and are also much more likely to then date those on the mend: nurses. Which can be female or male.

“Nurses are five times more s**ually active than normal people,” said Dr Dragovic (38). “And 12 times more likely to date a stranger they just met than those in other professions.” 

While she doesn’t recommend actively going out there to attract Mpox, “There are places you can go, you know, like stools in cafés used by truckers or public toilet seats almost anywhere if you want to get infected fast’’ – and then get patched up and right back in the dating game thanks to the attention of local healthcare workers. 
 

Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.

While companies like L’Oreal, Unilever and J&J test their products on animals such as iguana, hedgehogs and nonchalant mice, they are now testing on babies too – many who don’t have the good sense to speak up for themselves.

This development accelerates a trend where the first skincare brand for the under-14s was launched in October – by up to 13.9 years. A hidden transcript leaked to Discord reveals the extent of the problem in an undisclosed Asian nation:

Tester:             “Your baby is crying, it must be hungry.”
Mother:            “I think he is crying because you smeared that cream on him.”
Tester:              “Silence!”

[A burning smell permeates the tester’s hotel room. The baby hollers louder]

Tester:            “You should breastfeed them now.”
Mother:           “He was only fed an hour ago, I think it was that lotion…”
Tester:             “Silence! Feed them, or suffer the consequences.”

[A bag rustles as the mother searches for powdered feed]

Tester:             “Not that junk. Use your body.”
Mother:            “I can’t. I tried… I couldn’t…”
Tester:             “What kind of mother are you? Do it, or I alert the authorities.”

At that point the room’s covert recording equipment malfunctioned. 

“What defines an animal is very broad,” said Dr Prudence Lau, a spokesperson for Unilever. “So technically, as man is an animal, we are allowed to test stuff on baby men, often known as infants, or cuties.”

When challenged Dr Lau resorted to the tried and tested deflection technique that cosmetic firms often use. “Petroleum companies put stuff in the air all the time and nobody says boo, or even come on, stop that nonsense.”
 

Nigeria: A world leading conference highlighted a growing problem among disreputable physicians that could lead to gross misconduct charges being filed – or in some cases, gross indecency.  

Hidden camera footage presented by Medicin Sans Frontiers in Lagos showed that doctors are increasingly firing back the same questions at patients, with little regard for the quality of the queries. 

“In one case we saw a patient ask, ‘How long have I left to live?’” said Dr Benji MacDonald from the secretive medical body. “And the doctor, pointing at the patient with a pen said, ‘How long do you think you have left to live?’ – which is not what they wanted to hear. They wanted to hear months minimum. Or enough time at least to climb Mt Kilimanjaro and raise money for something or other.”

The medical org has now created a 7-point communication plan to help new and recently dismissed physicians to respond to patients with more empathy – and avoid the prospect of cash or complicated favours exchanging hands.

The problem is wide-ranging, deep-seated and a tall order, and was highlighted when a journalist asked Dr MacDonald about the initiative: “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?” To which he replied, “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?”