Iran: While authorities can use the deadly MERS virus to control a population’s free will, one Iranian man deployed it to control his own narrative – a tack he now regrets as he must get used to living with one hand less than the norm.   

Invoking the severe respiratory illness to make excuses for your behaviour after a night on the town is risky – especially if that town is Tehran (where even local alcoholics frown on boozing). Door-to-door shirt salesman Tony Rezaei was picked up by authorities after he said on social media that Iran’s ruler had a “big ass” and “I could do a much better job of running this toxic petrostate – if only they had the balls to let me”.

According to daily newspaper Ettelaat, Rezaei’s first account stated: “I was exhausted from praying 10-12 times that day. I needed guidance because of the messy changing room business with my sister – none of it was true. When you pray that much your immune system suffers. I said crazy things because I must have picked up MERS from the rug. Yes, that’s it, the rug beneath the bat enclave in my father’s garden.”

Later, however, under the kind of intense questioning that causes hands to go astray, Rezaei buckled, then fell sobbing. “I was drunk… my sister… my brother also…”

CCTV images leaked to Ettelaat showed him buying vodka off a shifty Westerner in the affluent Elahiyeh district. An hour later he sang Dirty Old Town by the Pogues, got sick in his shoe, then actually uttered the abbreviation “FFS” to comply with the nation’s strict anti-swearing policy. 
 

Kenya: For generations the general medical advice issued in 24-hour saunas has been to deprive fevers of food – but now that may be changing thanks to a shadowy industry body emerging from under its own shadow.

“Feed a cold? That’s bullcrap,” said Murt Buston from the World Fever Federation (WFF) in Nairobi. “It’s shoddy science the World Cold Congress [WCC] has spouted for years. Feeding a cold is one of two proven ways to encourage Mpox – and I think we all know what the other one is.”

Buston and his secretive colleagues represent a variety of fevers including scarlet, Lassa and typhoid – and for years have battled to raise their profile, hindered perhaps by the organisation’s lack of medical professionals. The WCC, on the other hand, nimbly represents just one client: the redoubtable cold.

“It’s true our client has been remarkably well fed for several decades,” said WCC founder Dr Paige Ayoade. “But that’s because colds need nutrients. As for fevers, I don’t even know what they want – leftovers from food banks maybe?” she said, deftly sassing the competition.  

“Suggesting fevers should consume second-hand food is such a typical WCC dic* move,” said Buston. “Understandably the WCC wants to keep fevers starved and weak so it can access public health funds. But I ask you today in good faith: would you as gladly starve a four-legged child? Thought not.”

However, things might be looking up for the WFF thanks to their upcoming cover story in the Journal of Infectious Diseases. “We’re also in the centre page spread, so let’s see who gets fed – and who chokes on their own pen…” he said trailing off distractedly.
 

China: In a sign of increasing transparency from the Wuhan Institute of Virology it has said that earlier versions of Covid were ‘not up to scratch’ – and it was also leaked that version 20.0 could be something that brings ‘the West to its knees for real’.

“Science is not an exact science,” said Barry Li, the institute’s director. “After many sketchy versions it was only Covid 19 where we thought, by golly this could really do something. Little did we know it would be adopted by so many governments worldwide to control their populations.” 

Yet an internal Teams chat posted on Discord has revealed that the institute’s plans for Covid are ongoing.

BL: Where are we with Covid 20? 
HC: Getting there big guy… should be ready any day now
BL: Don’t take that tone with me Harry – you must work faster
HC: Sorry boss
BL: How is its efficacy?
HC: Its the fucking bomb!
BL: What? Speak English you fool. Or Mandarin
HC: Soz I mean its very special indeed. Highly infectious. Will bring the West to its knees for real
BL: Okay quit fooling around. I want Covid 20 on my desk first thing Monday

When an undercover reporter approached the institute about the leak, Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “You’ve seen 3 Body Problem, right? We don’t give a monkey fuck about the West. And fuck tariffs. This time you have pushed us too far – and we’re not even working on a vaccine to inject in your sorry Western asses.”
 

Mexico: A leading impartial health adviser has issued an alert to highlight the propaganda surrounding flu jabs – from a 5-star resort in Cancun.

Dr Raymond Silva, not authorised to speak on behalf of his covert funder Reckitt Benckiser (who make cold and flu medication), said: “Science can’t yet tell us who has used these needles before. But what we know for sure is that products to treat flu come in a range of flavours and price points.”

Dr Silva has kindly let us use four of his top 17 reasons not to get jabbed this winter:  

- We don’t know where needles have been. So particles from addicts could pass on avian flu, or even worse, the new, improved version of Mpox – Time magazine’s ‘Disease of the Year’.

- It hurts. Don’t let anybody kid you. REM’s song Everybody Hurts was famously written during winter flu season – and suggests Michael Stipe’s empathy is way above nurses and better trained practitioners.

- Reduces resistance to avian flu. Avian flu is worse than normal flu, and as the name suggests, it’s also airborne. So while you may be able to outrun it for a while you can’t hide – even if you live in a tower block (because it’s airborne).

- Somebody else benefits – and it’s not you. Getting any vaccine is a sign of weakness and women (and some men) want to be protected. Is it suspicious that the same firms – Sanofi, Astra Zeneca, GSK – make the flu jabs every year? And that they also rub both hands with glee when a ‘flu-nami’ or ‘Superflu’ is all over the media? Ka-ching! 
 

UK: Doctors are threatening to halt their strike action and instead implement a ‘go slow’ policy – where nothing icky gets done and even hip transplants could take up to nine minutes.

“It’s really sad it’s come to this,” said BMA chair Dr Jack Fletcher cheerily. “But the slow movement is super cool right now. Slow eating, slow watching, slow prowling – slow medicine could move the dial in negotiations. Not in a hurry, of course.”

Dr Fletcher kind of welcomed the “mixed bag” that politician and podcaster Wes Streeting offered as he asserts his male toxicity ahead of an expected leadership battle next year. 
 
“While it’s not like the bags they get at the Oscar's, there are still some goodies: a stethoscope, scalpel, tape, string and a mask. I can imagine a use for most of those things when at work – or even when I’m driving around in my Land Rover.”

The public, however, are usually on foot and are much more susceptible to the latest flu virus – made even more annoying this year as it is airborne. They are also not keen on the prospect of an even slower NHS. “So go slow means six hours for doctors to get to work, two hours to go from one bed to another like giant whitecoat encrusted snails, and having their finger up your bum for 90 minutes – is this progress?” said one.

Not all members of the BMA are enamoured by the offer on the table. “They’re trying to buy us off, but they haven’t factored in inflation. If we allow for that, they must surely include a video camera or some kind of recording device,” said a junior doctor (17). 

“I recognise a rape kit when I see one,” said another, suspiciously.
 

Yugoslavia: At first glance catching a poxy disease may seem like a one-way ticket to death’s door – but now there may be something on this side of the door which is both attractive and life enhancing.

Time Magazine’s disease of the year, Mpox, is a recent name-change for an illness that overly and meanly targeted the LGBTQAI community – but could now help lonely hearts at the less colourful end of the spectrum to meet people, too.

“Being infected by a relationship is all about exposure,” said Dr Helen Dragovic, a psychologist and director of accelerated churn at dating simulator Hinge in Belgrade. “And where better to get that exposure than at a hospital or in a controlled medical facility?”

Research by Dr Dragovic and her team discovered that most hospitals have a ready supply of specialists who both help patients to recover from Mpox, and are also much more likely to then date those on the mend: nurses. Which can be female or male.

“Nurses are five times more s**ually active than normal people,” said Dr Dragovic (38). “And 12 times more likely to date a stranger they just met than those in other professions.” 

While she doesn’t recommend actively going out there to attract Mpox, “There are places you can go, you know, like stools in cafés used by truckers or public toilet seats almost anywhere if you want to get infected fast’’ – and then get patched up and right back in the dating game thanks to the attention of local healthcare workers. 
 

USA: Scientists speculate that around 60% of us have body parts that sometimes talk to us, but Irritable Bowel Syndrome is next level – where the bowel not only converses incessantly with its host, but also speaks in a super-annoying, whiney voice.

“It’s not unlike a Jewish lady from Queens,” said Dr Ray Chabon, a prominent New York surgeon, who spoke in his capacity as a healthcare professional and also off the record as a civilian afflicted by IBS. 

World Health Observatory says: It’s sometimes impossible to drown out internal monologues, but what can work is to amplify the offending voice by speaking their words aloud. On public transport the abuse from fellow passengers can quickly cause the internal voice to shrivel, and after many years of isolation, to fade completely or find another host.
 

Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.

“The misunderstanding lies in the term,” said Dr Janice Banza from Dr Congo’s Ministry of Public Health. “While meat is obviously a good source of meat, a bush is a plant, which is a form of vegetable. Hence the confusion.”

On behalf of cosmetic firms such as L’Oreal and Estee Lauder, militias in the region frequently capture animals so cleansers and mascara can be tested on the creatures – and then eat them with their cold, bare hands. “Sometimes I feel we are being played by faceless corporations,” said General Eric Mensah, a local militia leader, oblivious to the fact that his honchos often make whole populations faceless as a result of their dirty work.

“I’m sorry to bang on about this,” said Dr Banza, “But much of the confusion is about the pairing of terms and etymology,” she said, referring to the practice where nerdy people collect insects. “If apple sauce and blueberry muffins are good for you, why not bush meat? It’s just two words pushed together – one healthy, one full of protein, yet could also be full of Ebola or Marburg. But it’s a risk many militia bros are happy to take to satisfy their daily 85g of the stuff or whatever.” 
 

Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.

Upcycling is when you move something from lower in the body to somewhere higher up, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. “We’ve found out about piss’s ability to regenerate hair growth quite by accident,” said Ben Iberico from adult nappy firm Tena, citing the scientific name for the outflows rather than the slang ‘urine’.

“One of our patients tossed their pee pants onto a hairless ferret they kept for emergencies. When they returned a week later they found the ferret had grown quite a mane, although it probably died from starvation or apathy rather than the effects of piss on its head.”

Tena now plans to establish a ‘wear and share’ scheme across the Iberian Peninsula. Baldies would be matched with wee leakers of a similar blood type, with robots made of a rust-free ceramic then tasked to deliver the pants from floating distribution centres.

“So co-workers don’t suspect anything we have used AI to devise special hats for patients to wear for the 12-week process,” said Iberico. “They’re not great to be honest – some of them have six fingers – but we are confident we can effectively leverage piss to help baldies become normal and that’s what matters.”

China: An opportunistic magpie has flown away with the cure for H5N5 avian flu from a research lab in Wuhan – causing other ground floor labs in the region to step up security and close all windows for starters.

Health officials were understandably furious. “This is such a schoolboy or Proud Boy error,” said Barry Li, the director of the Wuhan Institute of Virology. “After trying to win back confidence after the botched Covid release, we were really hoping to mollify the West with this cure, even though avian flu [including H5N5, which infected a human for the first time this week] is a disease of our making and mainly only affects us.”

To help the community rally together, local birdwatchers have been out in force with their binoculars to try and spot the culprit and hopefully recover the cure – which is in a vial about yay big.

Why they have only trained their sights on local schools and swimming baths in the region, however, has caused one female parent to utter, “I don’t give a shit about avian, bat or pangolin flu. We have bigger problems to contend with. Unfortunately, most of them are in the local communist party, so they are ‘protected’,” she said, with the implied scrunching of the fingers gesture.

Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “They’ll probably just call in the army,” he said. “Which is kind of like sending in a hammer to catch a mouse, but we have the biggest military in the world and Taiwan is not on the cards just yet. Or Japan. Maybe Korea. Yeah, we might have a little surprise for them if you get my drift."

UK: The common flu has been renewed for another season – even though it hasn’t yet been picked up by any network and ratings for last year’s episodes were pretty awful.

While the flu has been around since at least 6,000 BCE – pre-dating life itself according to leaders in Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party – in recent years many suspect it has been artificially supported. “Who benefits?” asked Britain’s Eamonn Holmes on his popular GB News trollcast. “Apart from the government the only ones making money from the flu are big pharma firms like GSK, Kenvue and Reckitt – and I’m willing to name names.”

“It’s unfortunate that flu keeps on coming back. It’s a complete mystery,” said Bill Mamet, Reckitt’s head of sales. “If only we could find a cure to banish flu once and for all, but that would probably cost thousands. Until then we’ll just have to protect people as best we can,” he said, rubbing his hands with glee.

Recently the common flu has faced competition from Covid, norovirus and avian flu – which is even worse as it is airborne. “Let’s take the same approach to these ailments as common flu and acute angina,” said Mamet in a hot mic incident at a recent sales conference in Barbados. “I said ‘angina’ you fucking muppet!”
 

Estonia: Backpain sufferers are being encouraged to try a new treatment to help cure their affliction and stop their moaning – with a welcome side-effect that will finally lead them to do some good in the community.

Dr Dolores Sepp, a chiropractor with the Confido Clinic in Tartu, is leading the mostly legal experiments. “Let’s face it, not everyone can navigate the outer workings of a stream with confidence. Especially those who were previously known in a derogatory fashion as dwarves and midgets but who now prefer to be called Inuits.”

The solution, in case the penny hasn’t clicked yet, is for a backpain sufferer to gain relief by lying across a stream to stretch their spine. This also forms a handy bridge with their backs and leg limbs serving as a transport hub. “The patient can then use a special whistle that only short people can hear to summon them, while also saying ‘It’s okay, our back has got you’,” said Dr Sepp. “Instead of: ‘We’ve got your back,’ it’s the other way round. Which is genius.”

One downside is that because a person’s back is mostly positioned to the rear of their body, you can’t see who is coming. “Bad tall people could take the piss by using the human bridge when they could easily leap the stream in a single bound. That happened in early trials. Spines were snapped and some people were drenched, but we’re working hard to minimise these risks with a stricter sign-up policy based on how many squares have a car or stalker in their image.”