USA: Overreaching tech giant Meta has launched a new sleep gadget that whispers sweet nothings into a user’s ear – like how the firm responds when authorities try to get in touch after a mass shooting or other such ‘inconvenience’.

“Stats show us that anxiety stops people from achieving sleep takeoff,” said Meta product owner Brad Funkhouser. “With frequent reassuring messaging we can calm them at bedtime and also give them phrases to mesmerise others at dinner parties or [like us] on a mass scale.”

A number of phrases from the AI SleepBot were leaked to Silicon Valley tech blog The Verge:

- “You are failing sleepily.”

- “This way, little one, I know a shortcut”

- “Sleep fast and break things”

- “Drink this but promise not to tell your parents” 

Users can set the notifications to a frequency of their choice, although there is a minimum setting of one an hour – followed by a short commercial. Tech reporter Jeb Flavanoid was one of the brave journalists to question whether this would be disruptive to people’s sleep, asking openly on his blog, “That’s so cool, can you send me one?”.

Meta naturally went into silent mode when faced with a request.
 

Netherlands: Scientists have finally agreed on the number of steps we should be taking each day – and it runs into the hundreds, if not thousands.

For number crunchers, the exact figure agreed upon by mathematicians, cardiologists and proctologists at a conference organised by Fitbit owner Google in the Hague is 4,711 steps – but it comes with a warning. The scientists say that more than 50 steps either below or above that figure could have serious consequences for your health – and your very mind.
 
“We’ve all known that too many daily steps weakens the bones, and the strain of consistently putting one foot in front of the other probably damages arteries and our lungs, too,” said Dr Lance Vermeer from Fitbit. “Yet taking too few steps has also been proven to cause depression in mice and affect heart health in aphids – so there is a lot of pressure on communities to strike the right balance.”

Take the female (or male) community. Dr Vermeer said women (or men) should be especially careful about managing their steps. “If, say, a person ends up in a gentleman’s apartment, and only while mindlessly scrolling at dinner they discover that their charming host is actually a registered s** offender, then they have to make a tough decision.”

Vermeer paused to take a sip of water before continuing: “They’ve already taken around 4,700 steps and had only planned to take 7 or 8 more before the morning – what then? Running down the street screaming could cost them 100s of extra steps and cause crippling injuries later in life. Meanwhile, staying in the apartment and being compliant might result in the optimum number of steps but could cause crippling injuries of the mind within weeks or even months.”
 

UK: Children as young as eight are sharing unflattering and sometimes downright seedy imagery of old folk on Insta and TikTok – causing many seniors to be as unsteady in their mind as they are on their two good legs.

“Before social media, gerontophilia – the opposite of paedophilia for those keeping score – was only really talked about in care homes and morgues,” said Dr Andy Tippett, a medical adviser for Age Awareness UK. “But now it’s everywhere, from the top shelf of buses and behind school sheds to kids’ groups at trade fairs.”

Many speculate about the causes of this new low for humanity – and blame the very internet to which they are so helplessly addicted. “If it wasn’t for camera phones and social media, the only way children could even come across images of naked old people would be if the old folk sent pictures to the young ones inside a birthday card, or left them lying around in their home saunas. So should we return to the good old days? Good question.” Said one.

Dr Tippett feels great sympathy for the seniors. “Would I like it if children shared images of me between their friends? Probably not. But what’s happening is likely a reflection of powerful algorithms and people’s natural tendency to push the boat out.”

He went on to state that as these abusers are young, they will naturally be fed images to share which are increasingly of older and older folk – the opposite of how things should work. Dr Tippett also warned seniors to get a grip. “Maybe you shouldn’t all want to follow the latest trends such as micro-gliding and worse, wanting to be seen. Well, you’re seen now, just in the forums you would least expect!” 
 

USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).
 

China: An opportunistic magpie has flown away with the cure for H5N5 avian flu from a research lab in Wuhan – causing other ground floor labs in the region to step up security and close all windows for starters.

Health officials were understandably furious. “This is such a schoolboy or Proud Boy error,” said Barry Li, the director of the Wuhan Institute of Virology. “After trying to win back confidence after the botched Covid release, we were really hoping to mollify the West with this cure, even though avian flu [including H5N5, which infected a human for the first time this week] is a disease of our making and mainly only affects us.”

To help the community rally together, local birdwatchers have been out in force with their binoculars to try and spot the culprit and hopefully recover the cure – which is in a vial about yay big.

Why they have only trained their sights on local schools and swimming baths in the region, however, has caused one female parent to utter, “I don’t give a shit about avian, bat or pangolin flu. We have bigger problems to contend with. Unfortunately, most of them are in the local communist party, so they are ‘protected’,” she said, with the implied scrunching of the fingers gesture.

Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “They’ll probably just call in the army,” he said. “Which is kind of like sending in a hammer to catch a mouse, but we have the biggest military in the world and Taiwan is not on the cards just yet. Or Japan. Maybe Korea. Yeah, we might have a little surprise for them if you get my drift."

India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.

Dr Derek Khan, an audiologist with Ahuja Radios in New Delhi said society may be doing irreparable damage to its blood pressure by encouraging us to keep the volume down. “We conducted a meta study featuring thousands of contestants,” he said. “Those who kept quiet when they were bumped in a line were much more likely to suffer high blood pressure. But those who shouted, ‘Hey man, watch it’ needed far less blood transfusions and were 3x more likely to attract a mate from the same queue.”

The study also put statistical facts on suspicions many of us suspect. “Shouting is not seen as being politically correct, but we have scientific proof, finally, that when drivers roared ‘dumb mot***fucker’ at fellow motorists or at street cleaners, this lowered blood pressure by 15-20%, at least until they got home.” The study also revealed that those who mumbled under their breath were six times more likely to die in a car accident, or alone, whichever came first.

“High blood pressure is a silent killer – what better way to combat that than by shouting it down, or ‘shouting a person down’. Shout them down across the world, why don’t you?”