USA: Aspiring actress and moon denier Kim Kardashian has launched a new initiative she has branded Kim Kardashian Kardio (KKK) to help women reach their true potential – and achieve their exercise goals daily or hourly, whichever comes first.

“I want women to keep moving. That can be up or sideways,” she said. “But never backwards.” Ms. Kardashian has trademarked a unique set of moves that women can subscribe to on a weekly or monthly basis and pay for using their phones or credit cards – but in a blow for the unemployed or those with poor credit, not by using mindless tat.

The Kardio sequence has been developed over months at an undisclosed desert sanctuary outside Tacoma, Illinois. A local draughtsman, Bert Filler, who was sworn to secrecy, described one of them as an “effortless shimmy in and out of a Jeep”. A neighbour of his, Wanda Filler (no relation) was also paid off by Kardashian’s goons but remained suitably impressed by what she reckoned was “some kind of stretch, but more than that, because there was a branded water bottle involved, too.”

Ms. Kardashian, who may or may not be single, declined to comment for the purpose of this article, citing delicate philosophical reflections. The actual hate-mongering KKK, meanwhile, were visibly upset, as they had plans to launch their own health initiative – this involves chasing a black or Asian fellow down a road, and then being chased back by that fellow’s friends (burning up to 700 calories an hour).
 

China: An opportunistic magpie has flown away with the cure for H5N5 avian flu from a research lab in Wuhan – causing other ground floor labs in the region to step up security and close all windows for starters.

Health officials were understandably furious. “This is such a schoolboy or Proud Boy error,” said Barry Li, the director of the Wuhan Institute of Virology. “After trying to win back confidence after the botched Covid release, we were really hoping to mollify the West with this cure, even though avian flu [including H5N5, which infected a human for the first time this week] is a disease of our making and mainly only affects us.”

To help the community rally together, local birdwatchers have been out in force with their binoculars to try and spot the culprit and hopefully recover the cure – which is in a vial about yay big.

Why they have only trained their sights on local schools and swimming baths in the region, however, has caused one female parent to utter, “I don’t give a shit about avian, bat or pangolin flu. We have bigger problems to contend with. Unfortunately, most of them are in the local communist party, so they are ‘protected’,” she said, with the implied scrunching of the fingers gesture.

Barry Li drew on his fake Gitanes philosophically. “They’ll probably just call in the army,” he said. “Which is kind of like sending in a hammer to catch a mouse, but we have the biggest military in the world and Taiwan is not on the cards just yet. Or Japan. Maybe Korea. Yeah, we might have a little surprise for them if you get my drift."

India: At first an ancient art perfected by shaman priests and appropriated by the homeless may not seem to have health benefits – but doctors now find that shouting lowers blood pressure, and makes males more attractive to potential mates. Which can be female or male.

Dr Derek Khan, an audiologist with Ahuja Radios in New Delhi said society may be doing irreparable damage to its blood pressure by encouraging us to keep the volume down. “We conducted a meta study featuring thousands of contestants,” he said. “Those who kept quiet when they were bumped in a line were much more likely to suffer high blood pressure. But those who shouted, ‘Hey man, watch it’ needed far less blood transfusions and were 3x more likely to attract a mate from the same queue.”

The study also put statistical facts on suspicions many of us suspect. “Shouting is not seen as being politically correct, but we have scientific proof, finally, that when drivers roared ‘dumb mot***fucker’ at fellow motorists or at street cleaners, this lowered blood pressure by 15-20%, at least until they got home.” The study also revealed that those who mumbled under their breath were six times more likely to die in a car accident, or alone, whichever came first.

“High blood pressure is a silent killer – what better way to combat that than by shouting it down, or ‘shouting a person down’. Shout them down across the world, why don’t you?”
 

Switzerland: Scientists have announced a surprising breakthrough in the war on vaping: a return to good old-fashioned cigarette smoking – which they claim can make participants cooler, richer, and help them foster a more inclusive society.

“It’s just physics,” said Prof Roger Hammerstein from Philip Morris International in Lausanne, when asked about the downside of vaping. “With a touch of biology and chemistry. If you superheat a toxic mix of chemicals and inhale them, you’re asking for trouble.” (Pausing to exhale a plume of rancid smoke.) “And even if you are not specifically asking for trouble, that’s what you will get.”

In a four-hour presentation that was well received by company bosses and barely legal contractors, the professor expanded on the benefits of helping to steer the younger generation along the right path. “If children stop vaping and take up smoking cigarettes instead, they then magically act like adults and make a more valuable contribution to society – they dress older and become empowered to work, start families at a young age and pay rent in rundown areas, potentially rejuvenating communities.”

Hammerstein was dismissive of the hip image that vaping appears to cultivate among the youth. “Did you ever see Joe Biden vape? Or Keith Richards? Or Jeffrey Epstein?” he said, listing a who’s who of alleged cool dudes.
 

UK: While consuming minute doses of LSD and weight-loss drugs – known as microdosing – is fashionable among the UK’s cool ‘middle classes’, faceless government officials are now warning against the exact opposite, which some have nicknamed ‘gluttony’.

“Macrodosing is now the number one threat to supplies of everything,” said Dr Elliott Graves from the Dept of Health, who only spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It’s not just magic mushrooms and Mounjaro that are being hoovered up, it’s also the processed foods we all love, as increasingly the evidence shows these are good for you.”

Whereas middle-class mums may conventionally push a single pea around a plate – numbed by SSRIs or Prosecco – now they are wolfing down up to 70 or 80 in one setting. This could result in border control officers receiving even more bribes to ‘look the other way’ so farmers have enough manpower to meet a higher demand for crops grown in the ground – and those hovering mysteriously above it.

“Look, I’ve nothing against legal immigration, yeah,” said Councillor Will Tuckle from the happily multicultural Dover. “Fair enough, they come over here and pick the products we need to feed our families. But it’s taking the piss if they also want to consume these products. Leave some for us English, foreigners. And some for the Welsh too I suppose.”
 

Sweden: A daily walk sounds ideal, but could do more harm than good – with frequent strolls causing a ‘mind darkening’ effect for those who travel on foot to work and those hanging around on corners with the mass unemployed.

Dr Linda Borgstrom (43) a physician with Disney+ in Stockholm said that familiar roads and alleyways can induce an unparalleled sense of repetition that weighs heavily on those with a fragile disposition. “Walking regularly along a street and then returning by the same route produces what cognitive specialists call spatial asphyxia, where the boredom can literally make you feel like you are doing the same thing over and over – possibly without end.” 

Studies with rats have shown that they often go slightly mental in mazes constructed to replicate the mundanity of human existence. “The science is undisputed,” said Borgstrom. “Rats are not people.”

Other societal pressures exist, too, said the petite researcher. “The prospect of bumping into people you know can be exhausting. Constructing a new weather-related conversation with a neighbour can often be the opposite of life affirming – widely known as death affirming.”

Borgstrom recommends mixing it up. “It may be advisable to take public transport rather than walking wherever possible. Or consider working from home where you can take wellbeing breaks with your favourite streaming service, even if your employer has mandated against it or your work requires you to be physically present. After all, it’s better to lose a job than lose your health – or your very mind.”