Yugoslavia: At first glance catching a poxy disease may seem like a one-way ticket to death’s door – but now there may be something on this side of the door which is both attractive and life enhancing.

Time Magazine’s disease of the year, Mpox, is a recent name-change for an illness that overly and meanly targeted the LGBTQAI community – but could now help lonely hearts at the less colourful end of the spectrum to meet people, too.

“Being infected by a relationship is all about exposure,” said Dr Helen Dragovic, a psychologist and director of accelerated churn at dating simulator Hinge in Belgrade. “And where better to get that exposure than at a hospital or in a controlled medical facility?”

Research by Dr Dragovic and her team discovered that most hospitals have a ready supply of specialists who both help patients to recover from Mpox, and are also much more likely to then date those on the mend: nurses. Which can be female or male.

“Nurses are five times more s**ually active than normal people,” said Dr Dragovic (38). “And 12 times more likely to date a stranger they just met than those in other professions.” 

While she doesn’t recommend actively going out there to attract Mpox, “There are places you can go, you know, like stools in cafés used by truckers or public toilet seats almost anywhere if you want to get infected fast’’ – and then get patched up and right back in the dating game thanks to the attention of local healthcare workers. 
 

Hong Kong: Some of the world’s biggest cosmetic firms that claim to test on animals also test their products on other defenceless beings – it’s not just a sales hook to win over new customers and those sitting on the fence.

While companies like L’Oreal, Unilever and J&J test their products on animals such as iguana, hedgehogs and nonchalant mice, they are now testing on babies too – many who don’t have the good sense to speak up for themselves.

This development accelerates a trend where the first skincare brand for the under-14s was launched in October – by up to 13.9 years. A hidden transcript leaked to Discord reveals the extent of the problem in an undisclosed Asian nation:

Tester:             “Your baby is crying, it must be hungry.”
Mother:            “I think he is crying because you smeared that cream on him.”
Tester:              “Silence!”

[A burning smell permeates the tester’s hotel room. The baby hollers louder]

Tester:            “You should breastfeed them now.”
Mother:           “He was only fed an hour ago, I think it was that lotion…”
Tester:             “Silence! Feed them, or suffer the consequences.”

[A bag rustles as the mother searches for powdered feed]

Tester:             “Not that junk. Use your body.”
Mother:            “I can’t. I tried… I couldn’t…”
Tester:             “What kind of mother are you? Do it, or I alert the authorities.”

At that point the room’s covert recording equipment malfunctioned. 

“What defines an animal is very broad,” said Dr Prudence Lau, a spokesperson for Unilever. “So technically, as man is an animal, we are allowed to test stuff on baby men, often known as infants, or cuties.”

When challenged Dr Lau resorted to the tried and tested deflection technique that cosmetic firms often use. “Petroleum companies put stuff in the air all the time and nobody says boo, or even come on, stop that nonsense.”
 

Nigeria: A world leading conference highlighted a growing problem among disreputable physicians that could lead to gross misconduct charges being filed – or in some cases, gross indecency.  

Hidden camera footage presented by Medicin Sans Frontiers in Lagos showed that doctors are increasingly firing back the same questions at patients, with little regard for the quality of the queries. 

“In one case we saw a patient ask, ‘How long have I left to live?’” said Dr Benji MacDonald from the secretive medical body. “And the doctor, pointing at the patient with a pen said, ‘How long do you think you have left to live?’ – which is not what they wanted to hear. They wanted to hear months minimum. Or enough time at least to climb Mt Kilimanjaro and raise money for something or other.”

The medical org has now created a 7-point communication plan to help new and recently dismissed physicians to respond to patients with more empathy – and avoid the prospect of cash or complicated favours exchanging hands.

The problem is wide-ranging, deep-seated and a tall order, and was highlighted when a journalist asked Dr MacDonald about the initiative: “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?” To which he replied, “Do you think the plan will have a realistic impact on doctors’ behaviour?” 
 

USA: Scientists speculate that around 60% of us have body parts that sometimes talk to us, but Irritable Bowel Syndrome is next level – where the bowel not only converses incessantly with its host, but also speaks in a super-annoying, whiney voice.

“It’s not unlike a Jewish lady from Queens,” said Dr Ray Chabon, a prominent New York surgeon, who spoke in his capacity as a healthcare professional and also off the record as a civilian afflicted by IBS. 

World Health Observatory says: It’s sometimes impossible to drown out internal monologues, but what can work is to amplify the offending voice by speaking their words aloud. On public transport the abuse from fellow passengers can quickly cause the internal voice to shrivel, and after many years of isolation, to fade completely or find another host.
 

Dr Congo: Public health officials in West Africa have declared that bushmeat is not to be considered as one of your 5-a-day – and it goes without saying that 5 pieces of bushmeat does not make up your recommended daily dose of fruit and vegetables either.

“The misunderstanding lies in the term,” said Dr Janice Banza from Dr Congo’s Ministry of Public Health. “While meat is obviously a good source of meat, a bush is a plant, which is a form of vegetable. Hence the confusion.”

On behalf of cosmetic firms such as L’Oreal and Estee Lauder, militias in the region frequently capture animals so cleansers and mascara can be tested on the creatures – and then eat them with their cold, bare hands. “Sometimes I feel we are being played by faceless corporations,” said General Eric Mensah, a local militia leader, oblivious to the fact that his honchos often make whole populations faceless as a result of their dirty work.

“I’m sorry to bang on about this,” said Dr Banza, “But much of the confusion is about the pairing of terms and etymology,” she said, referring to the practice where nerdy people collect insects. “If apple sauce and blueberry muffins are good for you, why not bush meat? It’s just two words pushed together – one healthy, one full of protein, yet could also be full of Ebola or Marburg. But it’s a risk many militia bros are happy to take to satisfy their daily 85g of the stuff or whatever.” 
 

Spain: People from all backgrounds who couldn’t be bothered to control their urine output are now providing comfort to those who have more hair than some – but less than you might imagine.

Upcycling is when you move something from lower in the body to somewhere higher up, and that’s exactly what’s going on here. “We’ve found out about piss’s ability to regenerate hair growth quite by accident,” said Ben Iberico from adult nappy firm Tena, citing the scientific name for the outflows rather than the slang ‘urine’.

“One of our patients tossed their pee pants onto a hairless ferret they kept for emergencies. When they returned a week later they found the ferret had grown quite a mane, although it probably died from starvation or apathy rather than the effects of piss on its head.”

Tena now plans to establish a ‘wear and share’ scheme across the Iberian Peninsula. Baldies would be matched with wee leakers of a similar blood type, with robots made of a rust-free ceramic then tasked to deliver the pants from floating distribution centres.

“So co-workers don’t suspect anything we have used AI to devise special hats for patients to wear for the 12-week process,” said Iberico. “They’re not great to be honest – some of them have six fingers – but we are confident we can effectively leverage piss to help baldies become normal and that’s what matters.”