New year, new you(th): can Andrew’s fitness video make you feel younger?

US Virgin Islands: Deregulated prince and masseuse victim Andrew has launched a new fitness video with fancy moves honed over decades – and comes with a no-sweat and no money back guarantee.

Chubby chaps of furtive comport and chunky chumps of crafted repute may feel better in 2026 – and enjoy privileged access to a reverse-age dating process. Andrew’s new wellful brand ‘Wander’ has released an app and a video of highly choreographed exercises which Men’s Health said “pushes credibility to the very limit”. 

“Let’s be clear,” said Amelia Hoppity-Chuff, a spokesgirl for Andrew. “Emotions aside, this is not about intensity. The video will teach you to use your body safely – in a gated community, castle, private island, or even a penthouse apartment with up to 12 other men.”

While Wander is chiefly aimed at scuzzy tech bros, floundering celebs and all politicians – and those in their leering orbit – it works best in conjunction with junior members of society. “Feeling younger is not about less calories, it’s about more connections, about the bond between older and nubile folk, and about shared lived experiences – through Telegram or the platform of their choice,” said Hoppity-Chuff.

A typical advert in the Wander app, yet it is unclear whether they are selling the potential of a slim physique – or renting out the actual person depicted in the image 

While the fitness video was Andrew’s priority the Wander app was birthed by the branding supremos that nurtured Andrew’s younger brother Harry and his sister Meghan to full financial health. Yet not everyone is convinced of the overall authenticity of the programme. 

“First there was the malarkey over Wild Breathing,” said voice-of-the-people and opportunistic chef Jamie Oliver. “Now there is Andrew’s Slow Sleeping and Quiet Shouting – I just feel the public want something more real. Although having a barely legal companion under your arm is a tangible outcome, I suppose. Just ask Stephen Fry.” 

While Andrew admitted that app users could lose up to 300 calories when chased by angry parents, he refused to comment on long-term weight loss figures or networking gains. “Well gosh, it’s not about the numbers you silly billy, as long as everyone is having, how shall I phrase this… inappropriate fun.”