Vulnerable spouses ‘very afraid’ over Dignitas 2-for-1 offer

Switzerland: Deathcult operator Dignitas is terrifying pensioners who fear their partners will drag them along to their January sale – the kind where getting a refund on your money (or your life) is strictly verboten.

“January is usually such a good time for us, with people thinking after Christmas, ‘What’s the point?’,” said Dignitas elder Dr Angus Federer from Zurich. “Naturally we answer with, ‘Actually there is very little point’. But this year there is too much positivity lurking around, so we thought we would lean into it with a quite compelling 2-for-1 offer.”

Yet critics in England are outraged that those who are committed to end their own lives may also influence perfectly healthy partners. “Old folks do like a bargain,” said Danny Kruger MP. “And this is a great deal, but we would encourage seniors to instead check out the recliners at Furniture Village. Or how about the DIY approach? UK companies make some great poisons and hammers – and you’d be saving British jobs.”

A recording leaked to Discord illustrates the scale of the problem:

Man:           Pack your bags, we’re going on a trip
Woman:     Oh that’s exciting, a holiday?
Man:           Uh, yeah, a long break
Woman:     Will I let Janice know, for the cats?
Man:           Don’t worry about the cats
Woman:     But they will eat each other’s faces
Man:          That’s just a rumour… it’s not likely
Woman:    I’m calling Janice now!
Man:          For Christ’s sake get in the bag!
Woman:     Get in the bag…?
Man:          I mean pack your bags… taxi is near
Woman:    What clothes…?
Man:          Just bring a swimsuit
Woman:    Ooh, are we going somewhere hot?
Man:          It will get hot…

When it was put to Dignitas that the 2-for-1 sale is unfair when some companies can only offer 15% off or buy-3-get-1-free they deflected: “Listen good,” said Dr Federer. “When you’ve got Brooklyn Beckham blowing up the internet and depraved kids taking away the dignity of seniors how do we cut through the noise so old people can make life-changing choices?” 

“Besides, have you ever seen Logan’s Run – the Dignitas experience is a bit like that really. Quite magical. The soundtrack is more Joy Division than Pharrell, but it’s still better than spending your hard-earned Francs on AI pee pants or in the golden oldie section of OnlyFans.”