Feed a cold, starve a fever? Not so fast, says World Fever Federation

Kenya: For generations the general medical advice issued in 24-hour saunas has been to deprive fevers of food – but now that may be changing thanks to a shadowy industry body emerging from under its own shadow.

“Feed a cold? That’s bullcrap,” said Murt Buston from the World Fever Federation (WFF) in Nairobi. “It’s shoddy science the World Cold Congress [WCC] has spouted for years. Feeding a cold is one of two proven ways to encourage Mpox – and I think we all know what the other one is.”

Buston and his secretive colleagues represent a variety of fevers including scarlet, Lassa and typhoid – and for years have battled to raise their profile, hindered perhaps by the organisation’s lack of medical professionals. The WCC, on the other hand, nimbly represents just one client: the redoubtable cold.

“It’s true our client has been remarkably well fed for several decades,” said WCC founder Dr Paige Ayoade. “But that’s because colds need nutrients. As for fevers, I don’t even know what they want – leftovers from food banks maybe?” she said, deftly sassing the competition.  

“Suggesting fevers should consume second-hand food is such a typical WCC dic* move,” said Buston. “Understandably the WCC wants to keep fevers starved and weak so it can access public health funds. But I ask you today in good faith: would you as gladly starve a four-legged child? Thought not.”

However, things might be looking up for the WFF thanks to their upcoming cover story in the Journal of Infectious Diseases. “We’re also in the centre page spread, so let’s see who gets fed – and who chokes on their own pen…” he said trailing off distractedly.