Littler baby Jesus? Now it’s possible with miracle weight loss solution

USA: Scientists at a prolific weight loss peddler are creating the next generation of littler baby Jesuses – giving them a superpower that doesn’t convert H20 to wine but helps kids to manage their consumption and not overindulge at Christmas instead.

“Many mums are looking for excuses to put down their doom-phones for 5 minutes – and a smaller baby could be the solution,” said Dr Dan Jildo a spokesperson for Mounjaro maker Eli Lilly. “Imagine being able to enjoy a product that matches the weight profile and footprint of many larger Samsung or Huawei models.”

“It doesn’t have to be Jesus, you can choose from literally hundreds of names, from Andrew to Zoltan – it doesn’t have to be any Tom, Dick or Harry,” said Bishop Mikey Giovanni, a Vatican spokesman. ”Although we would discourage Dick for historical reasons. And Harry is kind of tainted… ah, Andrew isn’t great either… actually, you can see why Mohammed is the world’s most popular name right now.”

While there are some concerns about testing procedures with Lilly’s miracle solution, phone makers are sceptical that even smaller newborns can maintain the interest of committed phone users. “Most babies are fairly low resolution,” said Derek Park from Samsung. 

“And have you ever tried scrolling on one? Let’s just say it’s frowned upon. But phones are made for mindless scrolling whereas most babies are just mindless – ho ho ho!”