Are you ready for the AI diet? (You’re so not)

Taiwan: A restrictive diet consisting only of foods with both ‘a’ and ‘i’ in their name is proving to be especially powerful in the war on girth – burning fat 5x faster than typical condiments, and twice as fast as online abuse.

Dr Jackie Faijong a physician with OpenAI in Taipei said his team were surprised at the nuance of the findings. “The right order is important. Raisins and tapioca have a potent effect, but pizza and Mexican, while having the correct letters, don’t do as well. The control group of foods, including lettuce and corn, actually produced the opposite results, with many respondents gaining up to 5 kg over three months on their hands alone.”

The molecule powering the fat burning, which consists of a secret set of numbers and letters like WW3 and HS2, is nicknamed Bainan (‘little one’ in Mandarin) and was first uncovered by a computer with no apparent links to AI – or so it said.

Some industry watchers are sceptical, however. “If AI is planning to take us over, it could be well served by humans only existing on a diet of raisins. We would be diminished to the size of mice in no time – then crushed like hamsters by emerging technologies made of steel and rare earth materials.” Said one.

“We should try and put the pieces together, like the cop at the end of The Usual Suspects. I believe there is some connection between Taipei, Taiwan, Faijong, Bainan and Mandarin but I haven’t found it yet.”