How ‘wild breathing’ could be your new wellness superpower

Monaco: Wellness influencers have stumbled on a new way to help you feel empowered and alert – and like vaping, it works only by extracting more dubious goodness into your heaving lungs.

“Wild breathing could meaningfully immerse your multiple personas in nature,” said fauna practitioner and landscape agitator Pippa Windsor-Soup. “Breathing inside your country home or hacienda is hugely fulfilling, but imagine taking that emotion outdoors and letting it be free, and more importantly be felt as well as seen.”

Wild breathing was first popularised by historical figures such as polar explorer Ernest Shackleton and Superman in his man cave – but it was thought to be too cold to catch on. “Now thanks to the magic of global warming, we can encourage consumers to pay a little to gain a lot,” said Windsor-Soup, 17,413th in line to the UK’s throne, but still behind childcare disruptor Prince Andrew because she is a woman.

Yet a lot doesn’t come cheap. A starter pack, with AI generated tips and posh-voiced chatbot will cost most users around 10% of their annual salary – more for those prone to panic attacks who may gulp in outdoor air as if it were free.

Like many in her social class Windsor-Soup is dismissive of criticism. “As I say to my network, one small breath for man, one giant gasp for our coffers… that’s off the record by the way.”